h answered the phone when i called to say goodnight to s. s was still in the shower. he asked how i was and i said i was fine - and then he said, we need to continue this conversation one of these days
i asked - when would you like to do that - and found out right away that that was too aggressive - he's like a shy nervous horse right now - he immediately got a bit anxious and replied that he didn't know. so i just said gently that anytime was fine.
we talked for a couple of mins more - i felt that he wanted to talk more but was stopping himself, and so i said well get s to call me back and got off the phone
i felt myself being very gentle and kind to him - with suddenly realizing what my triggers are, i am finding myself trying to see how he gets triggered off too.
after calming down and not feeling so defensive today, i started to think that maybe i was wrong about his reactions yesterday, and that what i was seeing was not him angry at me, but simply him struggling very hard - with what he was doing, hearing about it and also struggling with what he had to do.
the therapist clearly asked him to begin modeling for s - by expressing his own emotions. that must be terribly scary for him - he doesn't have a male model to follow - both his father and gr. father are stone statues - his uncles on his mom's side are warm and loving but he is quite disdainful of them - the way he was of me whenever i was "emotional". i see now clearly that that disdain is actually great fear, because he simply did not know how to handle his own emotions he couldn't begin to handle anyone else's
so i shall try to be kind as he goes through what must be a terribly painful and scary time. and his casually asking me tonight if we should continue that conversation, one could almost see as him asking for help
how could i help him find his way in this, so that i am not doing the work but just supporting him? he told me a few weeks ago that he was terribly afraid of coming back that he felt terribly vulnerable - i thought he meant because he had an A and was scared i couldn't forgive him
but no, now i see that he feels terribly vulnerable because for the first 2 months after the separation, he cried and poured his heart out and bared his soul - and he's petrified i won't take care of it if he comes back
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
