Trying hard to keep the days full of activities while S13 and D16 are on holidays.
It all just seems so fake. These are not things I really want to do - I'm just doing them in order to show H that I have a life.
Everything I do is planned and acted out in terms of its effect on my H and my hopes of reconciliation.
Everything H does is designed to send me the same message: He wants to be free of me.
I try to detach and focus on myself, but it doesn't come.
I think it's because I feel inauthentic. I want to rage and scream at him and tell him what a low life he is. But I don't.
I want to cry and beg and make him realise how much I love him. But I don't.
I want to sit in a corner in a darkened room and stare. But I don't.
I want to tell everyone what he is doing to us and what OW has done to us as well. But I don't.
I don't do anything that seems natural. And it's driving me to despair.
All I think my changes are doing is making him feel more guilty - hence the apology.
More guilt is unlikely to produce a reconciliation.
At a loss...
NLW - You have described my life perfectly. I know it doesn't make sense, but doing those things to GAL will help you in the long run. Half the time, I just want to lay in bed, but I know that won't help me in reconciliation or D.
Maybe scale back the activities you are doing. Staying in and reading or relaxing can be a form of GAL too. Maybe try some no pressure activities for now. That's what I've been doing. It doesn't work every day but it does most days.
