I'm really up and down over the last few days.

Wish I could control the downs.

Trying hard to keep the days full of activities while S13 and D16 are on holidays.

It all just seems so fake. These are not things I really want to do - I'm just doing them in order to show H that I have a life.

Everything I do is planned and acted out in terms of its effect on my H and my hopes of reconciliation.

Everything H does is designed to send me the same message: He wants to be free of me.

I try to detach and focus on myself, but it doesn't come.

I think it's because I feel inauthentic. I want to rage and scream at him and tell him what a low life he is. But I don't.

I want to cry and beg and make him realise how much I love him. But I don't.

I want to sit in a corner in a darkened room and stare. But I don't.

I want to tell everyone what he is doing to us and what OW has done to us as well. But I don't.

I don't do anything that seems natural. And it's driving me to despair.

All I think my changes are doing is making him feel more guilty - hence the apology.

More guilt is unlikely to produce a reconciliation.

At a loss...