TSquared2~Thanks for the info, I appreciate it! smile I went to the library today, checked out like 6 books, I think.... the librarian probably thinks I have a problem.... self help/positive thinking books, but after last night, and my yucky outlook today I need all the positive thinking I can get! lol

Anyway, last night I had an anger/rage filled moment. I don't know where it came from, I have been doing so well lately, and had been feeling peaceful, despite everything, but last night I just kinda freaked out (in my room, not actually to him). I threw a picture of us across the room, cried, and silently yelled at him.... perhaps the silent treatment is getting to me, or the wanting to pay me for food..... or the fact he seems to be stuck in hating me and wanting away from me and not cycling into let's cook dinner together or even watch a movie..... it's just constant ignore and treat like crap. Maybe I think too much, maybe it's finally sunk in this is really happening and my husband could very well march out the door at any second and wouldn't give it a second thought. Maybe he really does want to leave, sometimes he sounds convincing......but that is the nature of the beast I suppose, convince yourself so you can sound convincing to other people. Or perhaps it's because today is 6 months and it only seems to be getting worse, not better.


And then I think if he continues to be stubborn and not work through this, or still leaves, and not open his eyes to all he is running away from, all of the plans I had or I should say, we had together I will have to mourn.... and that will be hard.... I still have a hard time even thinking about the fertility thing.... especially now when it seems like having a family at all will not happen..... it's all snowballing and it feels like it is going to run me over.... but I guess I have to face the music and process it sometime because the worst case scenario is a very distinct possibility when the man you are fighting to save a marriage with has a very bad support system.... the just leave and do what you want type.... the there are no problems whatever makes you happy type..... not the marriage is a commitment and work type are you sure you want to throw it away......


Sorry for the babbling.... just whats going through my head today.... it's a scary place...... guess I will go read some of the happy books I checked out now. smile