Stronger

[mishka422]

No, it certainly won't help it either. That's the other side of my fears. They war with each other....it's nuckin futz.

The other part of my head says that he left because he couldn't deal with my illnesses. There was a while there that I was sick every other darned week for about 2 years. I used to get massive migraine headaches but those have eased quite a bit. When I get really sick (like it did the first part of the year) I have an extra layer of terror added to the daily disaster.

I always thought I was taking care of both, that's why it threw me for such a loop. Yes, there were times he didn't get as much attention, but there were plenty of times that the opposite was true.

There is a real possibility that none of this made any difference and he would have left no matter what I had been doing. The wiring in the brain gets so messed up when what you are told is so different than the perceived reality you live in, doesn't it? The words he said have much more power than I should have given them but they play like a tape recorder when something triggers them.

As if you need any more info to know just how seriously messed up I am, I'll give you one more scenario that just happened the other night. It may be TMI so I'm warning you! LOL

I walked into the bedroom and as I crossed the foot of the bed a horrible smell hit me square in the face. Now, knowing I didn't do it, that left only one other person in the room. I made a face, said 'ewwwwww....gees, you could have warned me.' and grabbed the spray. He insisted it wasn't him and I laughed it off and said,'yeah...ok...whatever.' Now, it's pretty unusual for him not to own it and laugh about it but he was adamant it wasn't him and then he got really mad at me and raised his voice and was angry that I was blaming him. Really? This was worth getting mad about and yelling at me. I just brushed it off and said ok. I got in bed and just turned on my side reading my book and not talking to him. I started crying and couldn't stop but I wasn't making any noise, no sniffling, no shaking, just silent tears. Suddenly he reached over and said he was sorry he got upset with me (by then we had both figured out it was our little tiny 10 pound dog) and then he realized I was crying. I just told him I was sorry he was so mad at me. He said he wasn't mad and that he was sorry he had seemed that way.

The crying was from fear that he was mad at me. WTH? Should it really matter? No. Should I have just apologized? Probably, but then he would have felt justified for getting mad at me in the first place. It was SO DANG STUPID.

Ok....fire away....