Stronger

[mishka422]

I was watching "The Biggest Loser" last night and something happened that set me off into a short fit of anger aimed squarely at myself.

One of the contestants has been in a pretty co-dependent M with a man 20 years older than her. He was eliminated several weeks ago but she has held on. After he left she started getting stronger and stronger and was super focused on herself and getting healthy strictly for her. It seemed like she had broken through some of her patterns and I was so happy for her. Last night she called her H from a hotel room in DC where they were visiting the White House. Her husband told her how lonely he was and how much he needed her and whine, whine, whine....she let it get her and asked him if he needed her to come home. The bas!ard actually told her YES! A$$!!! He wasn't being supportive of her process, he was only considering his own selfish reasons for wanting her home. She went into a tailsping and starting bingeing on mayo, peanut butter, cheeseburgers and grilled cheese sandwiches. All at once! It made me SO MAD! She ended up being eliminated because she gained 2 pounds with all her craziness.

I thought about it more later and it's such a parallel to my own life and that is what angered me so much apparently. I lived so much of my life for everyone else and didn't pay any attention to my own needs and my own health. It was all in the name of 'taking care of my family'. 5 years ago I took my health into my hands, started a diet program with a doctor's help, and lost 60 pounds. That was only a dent in what I needed to lose but it was a good start. When I started that was when Gabe started his A. When he left I had to stop my diet doctor because I couldn't afford it anymore with the loss of income. I maintained for a few months due to the anxiety diet (eat a little, throw it up, eat a little, throw it up....). Once I was medicated and could eat again I started to gain a little bit, a little bit more...2 of 3 pounds here or there. Then, I lost my insurance entirely, had to stop the AD's and the depression hit so hard that my only comfort was food. Now I've gained all of that back and I'm scared. Scared to concentrate fully on my own health again. My twisted brain equates my taking care of myself with his reason for leaving. I didn't pay enough attention to him, I was wrapped up in my health, taking care of my mom, and taking care of Marc. Well, mom's care is no longer on my plate but everything else still is.

How do I go back to concentrating on me and not being afraid that is going to be a catalyst to him walking out again? It may sound stupid to you all, it really does to me too when I say it out loud, but it FEELS very real. How do I break the association between the two things in my head?

Suggestions?