Talked to him tonite for a few minutes. Asked him what happened over the course of a week. He said he was wrong, he doesn't have the same feelings for me anymore & he never should have said he wanted to move back.
I've heard that before - at least a million times now. When he is around me, I think he does love me & want our marriage. But, when he is preoccupied w/ other things or people in his life, he says he doesn't want to be w/ me. He doesn't seem to understand that relationships have ups & downs - just because he gets frustrated w/ me 1 day doesn't have to mean that he doesn't love me. He seems to think that if we have a disagreement it must mean that we aren;t meant to be together. Not a very realistic view if you ask me.
I guess I want to believe that he really does want our marriage. That keep me hopeful, as I said before. He spouts off about divorce but he never does anything about it. Which leads me to believe he is not ready to let go either.
Now, if we could just go live on an island w/ no outside influences, maybe we could be okay...
PMA is really low today - actually has been the last week. Quite a crash down from thinking H was moving home to this. I hate not seeing or talking to H - makes me worried that he is planning behind my back - filing for D or something. He stopped by Friday nite to drop off check for truck pmt. Says he won't talk to me because he didn't appreciate how I talked to him last time we spoke...??? Not sure what he is getting at. I know I was upset from him blowing me off about some issues we need to discuss. I just have a hard time w/ how he gets mad at how I handle sitations sometimes, but there is nothing wrong w/ him ignoring me, not calling & not being very nice when he talks to me sometimes.
Finally spilled my guts to a good friend yesterday. I think she pretty much thinks that it is time for me to move on but accepts I want to hang in there still. She said something that I have been thinking about alot lately - that it is almost like H distances himself from me because if he sees & talks to me, he might question his decision. I just get scared because w/ him it seems to be "out of sight, out of mind". I don't know how I am going to get a chance to interact w/ him anytime soon.
Have been thinking about calling to set up a phone consulation - need something to get out of this black hole I am living in right now.
I read some of your posts on this thread. I think you sorta need to follow his lead a bit. Not call at all till he calls you. Make him miss you a bit and KNOW what its like without you there all the time. When he pops his head in, then don't just jump at it since he gets scared and backs all the way off. Sorta keep your distance till he is home and knows he wants to be and isn't changing his mind so much.
Sometimes you don't know what it is you want till its gone. It seems so in your case with your H. If he felt you pulling away slowly he will do something to lure you back. But I wouldn't take the bait, just play it till he offers more concrete proof he knows who he is and what he wants.
He seems to like a chase. That is his way of being in control. Its okay to give a taste what he would be missing but get him to realize that is what he would be missing. When he sees you, there isn't any pressure or R talk. That can be done later. But it seems to scare him when there is pressure. And it could be by whom he is talking to besides you. It seems this is a problem he has within himself.
Act as if you would DATE him but not want to get back together. That your having fun. Let him be the more responsible one taking care of himself in a way. Maybe name some simple ways that you could detach with things he could do by himself. He will then realize all you had done for him and what it would be like without you there. This is what he is wanting. But I find it hard to give someone benefits of married life of doing for them but then not participating in it either.
The more you detach, the less confused you will be in his drama. You could relook at it with more open eyes. No pressures of R talk, not controlling since your letting him control his own life...hence not doing it all for him letting him handle his own business.....Can't accuse you of controlling if you step away from that part. You know once in a while isn't bad cause you may do it for a friend. But to do it consistantly and then get no credit for it is rude on his part. He shouldn't ask if he wants to do it on his own.
Thanks again Ogda. This ride isn't quite as exciting as a real rollercoaster. Still plannin ona phone consult this week.
************************** Thanks joyful. I know I need to "get a life" & let him come to me. I have seen glimpses of this in the past few months. When I least expect something from him, there he is w/ more than what I would have expected - does that make sense??
I realize he has everything exactly how he wants it right now. He has the benefits of being married when he wants them & also has his freedom.
I know it is time for me to detach better & do something different - what I have tried isn't working so I guess it can't hurt to try a different angle. I guess I just get a little scared that he won't miss me...not that I can do anything about it if he doesn't - and if I think about it realistically, I think he will.
Thanks again for your input. It all makes sense, just have to force myself to do it.
The key. Force ourselves to get on with a better life and soon, we hope, it becomes second nature and we know we are better and stronger because we recognize the changes we need to make.
Yes it does get easier and you would probably feel much better knowing he does miss you. He just hasn't had the chance yet. But when you stop doing it all, he will or might become upset that you stopped. But this is what he is wanting and you are so willing to give it to him. But after a while of doing it for himself he will realize all you have done for him.
Not to do it meanly of course but to give him the space that he is wanting. You make yourself busy. Not willing to drop everything to do what he is needing. Yes give some so as not to cut off all contact but make him more responsible for some things in his life.
You make it look as if your going on with your life like he is stating he wants.
It seems he hasn't let go and is so wishy washy on some thing about getting back together.
And its because he probably knows how bad you want him back. That your available when he needs you and will take him back on short notice. but when it comes to doing it he gets so scared off for some reason.
I know you can do this. Just remember to not take the bait soon....let it linger for a while. Make him be the chaser. One goal could be to go out on a date with him. Make him court you. What could you do to make him ask you out?
My biggest problem right now is I am not seeing or talking to him at all so it is hard to think of what i could do to get him to ask me out on a date. This is the longest I have gone without talking to him ever. I saw him at work for a few minutes on Monday - he knows I am always at his plant Monday mornings for a little while & I think he came looking for me. He said he was going to stop by to take care of a few things but of course never showed. I just feel like he is slipping away, but I do have to admit my day to day life isn't as crazy as when I am waiting for him to call or stop by. I still miss him alot but I guess this is easier on me since he is being so wishy washy.
My question about boundaries:
I am re-reading DR & also a post I printed out awhile back about acting as if. I understand that I need to make interactions with him upbeat & pleasant, etc. But, he knows that there are a few issues we need to deal with together - taxes, some bills etc. - whisch is why he said he would stop by this week. I know he was here this week when I was at work & it bothers me that he can't stop by when I am here or at least call so we can get these things handled.
I don't want to change the locks or anything because I know it would really p*ss him off. He comes over to use the computer & I am really tempted to put a password on it but that would make him mad too. The reason I am asking about boundaries is because I am wondering if I should do some of these things or if that is the wrong approach since it will just cause problems. I just feel the he is taking advantage of me - he can't be bothered to deal w/ these issues but feels he can walk in here & use computer etc when I am not here. He always trys to make it look like he wasn't here but I can always tell because he clears history & cookies etc on computer & it clears out my login for this BB.
Maybe it is not that big of a deal but I wondered if anyone has any input on this situation.
Quote: I just feel the he is taking advantage of me - he can't be bothered to deal w/ these issues but feels he can walk in here & use computer etc when I am not here.
slt,
Ironic, I was just reading your post, when you posted to me; will go read. Forgive me, for not knowing the arrangement? Is he living at home? Either way, tell him you feel he is taking advantage. He may get mad, but you will know you have been honest, or you will drive yourself crazy with anger and resentment. And if he does not live there, establish ground rules. It is unlikely you could go to his place if he were not there, so you say he is to respect your space.
We are trying so to be careful and not make waves, even when our WAS are treating us this way. For our own peace, we must be honest and change the dynamic and how we act and react.
Still plannin ona phone consult this week.
