Do you think that this might be H's way of being in control of the situation or am I way off base? This is what I am thinking:
I was in the mode of not having very high expectations of him - I talked to him almost everyday, he stopped by the house, he had been around at least some the last few weekends. He was doing most of this on his own. I of course wanted everything to move faster, but I felt pretty comfortable that things were moving forward, but I didn't want to push because then he will back off.
I was very surprised when he called me up 3 weeks ago late on Friday night & said he thought it was time for him to come home. We talked for a little bit & he came over for the night. The next day he said the subject was dropped now because I had too many "rebuttals" - I guess I was trying to make sure the timing was right so was bringing up some issues. He wasn't mad, just said we would give it some more time. I am torn between wanting him back so I can prove that I am changing & working things out as we go, or waiting until we have discussed some issues, because I don't want to go thru him moving out again. I think I should have just just kept my mouth shut & said ok!
Anyway, last weekend he said he wanted to come back this weekend. He talked about having to tell his roommate, where we were going to put some of his stuff, redecorating, etc. (The house is mine & I think he always felt that I was in control of the decorating. I have since told him that I want it to feel like his house too & I want us to decide together what to do to it) When we talked early in the week, I acted like he was coming home & so did he. He was talking about "when we do this & when we do that.." I talked to him a few minutes Thursday night & asked if he was all set for the weekend. He just said I don't know yet. Now, I haven't heard from him since then & his phone has been off all weekend - dead battery probably since the charger is here.
Was I being pushy? I tend to get all gung ho when I see positives & I think it scares him off again. I tried to be careful but some times even little things send him backwards.
So, I am thinking that maybe this is his way of staying in control of the sitation - he will do it when he is good & ready & I better not have any expectations??
Help!! This is driving me crazy. I just need to remember how thrilled i would have been to be this close a few months ago.
Here is the rest of my question - kind of got off on a tangent in my other post.
H will expect me to be mad about him not calling all weekend & about him not moving back in. I assume I should just ignore it...just ask how his weekend was, etc? Or should I bring it up?
Talked to H this morning. I guess all this work has been for nothing. He now says he doesn't have the same feelings for me anymore & he doesn't want a life w/ me. Not quite sure how that all changed in less than a week - the last few weeks he has been telling me that he loves me & he knew we would never get divorced & he wanted to be home w/ me & he wants to try to have a baby, etc, etc.
I wish I wouldn't have got my hopes up, but I guess it is kind of hard when he is telling me that stuff...
I don't know what to do - we were so close Now he says he doesn't even want to talk or see me. Says his kids are most important thing (altho he didn't even know about them when we met & got married) & I wouldn't be able to accept that. I told him I knew things would be different this time since they would be part of our lives now too.
Was just at my med review. My dr said it sounds like he doesn't know how to balance having more than one relationship at a time. It's me or the kids. He has been like this about friends & family since I have known him. When he is w/ me it is just me. When he is w/ friends or kids, they are priority. I almost think he tries to convince himself that he doesn't love me so it makes his life easier in this respect. That's also why it worries me not to interact w/ him - he gets wrapped up in whoever he is with & "forgets" me.
Time to give up or keep DRing? I really need some help today. I hope someone can relate...
don't really know what to say - we have all been there though and it is really tough.
I might suggest that you call one of the DBing coaches. they have a way of helping you see things you might have missed. they are really worth the fee.
There is not much I can say, except that this will continue to be painful. In all likelihood he will say a great deal of painful things to you before this episode is complete.
My advice is to try not to let it get to you. Watch his actions, listen to what he's saying, but realize that he may be merely lashing out. In some ways, the WAS thinks they can justify their actions by making you mad enough to yell back at them, or even for you to initiate a divorce. Then they can stand back and tell themselves and everyone else..."See, she didn't want me anyway." or "That's why I don't like being around her."
That's where the ACT AS IF philosophy and detachment comes in. You have to try to stop letting him get to you. Continue your life like everything is fine and make it clear that he's welcome to share your life with you if he choses.
I know it's hard. I can't really say I've ever mastered it, but I'm convinced this is the secret. Even then, there is no guarantees. He still may not resolve his problems...but that's part of it. It is his problem, not yours. Look at yourself, fix or improve those things about yourself that you are unhappy with or just want to change while he is like this. And let him figure his own problems out.
I don't blame you for being discouraged. It's a very discouraging time and only you can decide if you want to put the time and effort into the R while he seems so willing to just walk away. But if you do decide to stick it out, just be prepared for him to say one thing one day, and something totally different another. He's confused and may stay that way for a long time.
Thanks for responding ogda & jstx. This has been going on for 8 months & I really thought we had made a breakthrough. Before the moving home part, it was just kind of being in limbo & seeing how it went. We were talking, spending time together etc. Now, I haven't talked to him in days except when I saw him at work yesterday morning. I miss him & I think worse now since we were back to being involved in each others lives again every day. It is more like it was when he 1st moved out & said there was no chance for us.
He has said many things that I know have just been lashing out. He even admits it when we have meaningful conversations. He says he just does it to make me mad. But, I know that if I was to say I want a divorce, he would say okay, no problem. Sometimes I think that is what he is waiting for but I keep holding on because I truely don't think he wants it deep down. He just told me that last week- said he just says it to make me mad. At least that gives me some hope.
I know I need to detach. I was actually getting better at it for awhile, until he started being around again more often. I don't really talk alot about what is going on w/ him to my friends & family - they all think he is a jerk & think I can do better or would be better off by myself. But, I love him & have seen more of the good than they have. I realize how it looks from the outside but people are starting to make comments now about me not filing for D, etc. I know they just want me to be happy, but I just listen & then come home & lurk on here or read my books.
Thanks again for posting to me. I know what I have to do, it is just not always easy to do it.
Quote: I know I need to detach. I was actually getting better at it for awhile, until he started being around again more often.
That's the story of my life on the board. I'm terrible at it too. I'd get to a good place, she'd start hanging around...and I'd dive right back in. I think it became a game to her for a while. At least a way of testing that I was still on the string.
Anyway, no one said it was easy. Just try to learn from my mistakes.
