So tonight H comes home early (for him). Seems put out that I did not make dinner and is disappointed that I already called S who is staying with my mom. He said "I wish you would have waited for me to get home before you called." I did a 180 and did not get defensive. I simply said "I'm sorry. I didn't know what time you would get home and I was anxious to talk to him." Now note here he could call my mom anytime to talk to S but he is afraid of my mom and what she may or may not say to him. So again I am supposed to cover for his actions. So I did the good thing and called my mom and talked to S again and then handed the phone over. Doormat??? Or just being nice? Sometimes it is hard to tell.
AT BD: WH 41, J 43; Bomb 2/5/2012 Two kids, one dog D Final 6/18/14 J marries OW 1/24/15 "No matter where you go, there you are"
So after a few days of feeling strong the roller coaster is up and running again. I wish I knew what triggered these down times so I could combat them better.
Got home and decided to make pancakes and bacon for dinner. H gets home early (for him) and seems to be upbeat. At least with D. I am lucky to get a hello. He sees I am making dinner so he asks when dinner will be done because he is going to mow. I am shocked because the old H was a fanatic about mowing the lawn and lately he has shown little to no interest in our house or grounds whatsoever. I figure he is mowing so he can get ready to sell the house but I can't bear to think of that.
We ate dinner and he had small talk with D but didn't really say anything to be. I just acted upbeat and didn't let him bother me. It almost seemed okay except for him not talking to me. I guess he doesn't know what to say to me which is difficult to bear since he used to talk my ear off. I need to accept that my old H is gone. But it's hard.
Tomorrow is my appointment with my new counselor. I am looking forward to it. He seems very solution oriented.
AT BD: WH 41, J 43; Bomb 2/5/2012 Two kids, one dog D Final 6/18/14 J marries OW 1/24/15 "No matter where you go, there you are"
I hope the talk with the counselor goes well today because I am in a dark place right now and I am wondering why I am standing for a marriage to a man who is such a rush to divorce me? A man who runs off every weekend and leaves his wife and children behind? A man who chooses to spend Easter weekend with an almost perfect stranger tiling a kitchen rather than his family who loves him? A man who acts like a 17 year old kid looking for his next opportunity for rebellion?
I feel like I am pushing him farther and farther away. And I know pursuing and chasing is not going to bring us closer, but I miss that bond. It is so hard to detach. We were so close. So close and now I feel like a piece of velcro has been ripped from my heart.
I hate feeling so sappy and morose. It just is not me. But I am trying to work through these emotions the best I can.
AT BD: WH 41, J 43; Bomb 2/5/2012 Two kids, one dog D Final 6/18/14 J marries OW 1/24/15 "No matter where you go, there you are"
I feel your pain and wish I could take it away. I have all the same questions that you have, except we do not have children. WE have however been through two deployments and other life changes, so I'll never understand how he picked OW over me for these past two months...
I also understand how you feel as if pursuing will only push him farther away and I'm having a hard time with that as well. Up until a week ago (when I found out more about OW), I was very good and did not contact him for a week (not even about the dog). Now, I'm jumping back on that bandwagon and am going to try to go dark from him.
M: 27 H: 28 T: 8 yrs M: 6 yrs Sep: 2/18/12 (I have no feelings for you!) EA/PA Uncovered: 2/26/12 H introduces OW to his fam: June H moves ALL stuff out: July
So glad to have this community. At least I do not feel alone anymore.
It is hard to go dark when you have kids. I need to interact with H in order to make things as normal as possible for the kids, but it is so hard to interact with him and not "pursue" since I am a fixer. I have stopped calling him. I have stopped emailing him. I stopped trying to fix his issues or problems, even though it is so hard because I do care.
I need to just leave the past in the past because I rehash things in my head and dig up bones. Like him telling me he has no feelings for me. The Valentine's Card which read "to a special friend like you". Him telling me that he knows it won't take long for me to find a boyfriend. Those things are so hurtful. I know you should believe none of what they say and 50% of what they do, but he just seems so convinced. So done. So ready to move on. I keep thinking about the future and all the emotional things I have to deal with coming up and I just don't know how I am going to get through.
AT BD: WH 41, J 43; Bomb 2/5/2012 Two kids, one dog D Final 6/18/14 J marries OW 1/24/15 "No matter where you go, there you are"
