Thanks for the reply. One thing I left out in my original post about us was that we do not have children.
Since I made my post yesterday morning my wife and I had probably the most honest conversation to date about our issues last night and what's next for us. In the end I'm basically working my way up to a NC approach but struggling to get there.
In talking last night about her affair, she continues to downplay the role it has played in our relationship. I know more about it than she realizes and she's not being honest with me about how far it has gone. I think part of that is that she's embarrassed that it became what it is. She did say that all of this has been unfair to me and she feels guilty for what she's put me through.
We also discussed many of the issues that she brought up in regards to why she has been unhappy. A lot of it has to do with the fact that it seems that she doesn't see us as compatible anymore. She wants to travel and do different things and consider looking for work elsewhere, while I'm am more typically a homebody and content with the life that we have (or had). While she understands now that there are compromises that can be made, she feels that any changes would just be putting a band-aide on the situation. When she mentioned that she plans everything we do and I tried set up different things for us to do, she said that she resented the changes I made because it was like I was trying to overcompensate for the problem in the first place. Basically she was justifying for herself why she was unhappy. I don't blame her for being unhappy, I just wish that she would have talked to me about it sooner so it didn't get to this point.
Last night I suggested that we take time apart before taking any serious, official steps towards D. Up until this point she thought that we would be able to coexist in our house and stay out of each other's way. I think in talking about everything the way we did last night, she finally realized how unrealistic that is given everything going on. She is going to be moving out over the next week and a half and either move home with her mom or get her own place. I told her that I would help her in the process but I think that time apart is important for us so we can see what we both really want. I also said that it was important so we can focus on ourselves without constantly being on top of each other. Last night was also the fist time that she cried or seemed upset (at least to my knowledge) about everything - she specifically got upset when we were talking about how/when we would tell our friends and family and then again when discussing her moving out.
We have a vacation planned with friends of ours next month and weekly tickets to baseball games that we purchased right before everything came to a head. She thinks we should go on the trip together A) because we invited our friends to go and that it would be rude to abandon those plans and B) that it could be a good opportunity to get away from the issues at home and see what happens. I'm a little more skeptical but willing to at least see where it goes. We agreed with the baseball tickets that those we would play by ear but probably either go on our own to the games or sell them.
I don't plan to approach her to talk about our relationship again until she approaches me. The next conversation I expect us to have about what's next is her plans for moving out.
What do I want? Honestly, up until this point I thought it was to work things out with my wife. I was willing to bend over backwards to make changes and work through the issues surrounding her affair. In going through this process I've come to realize that I don't know if that's really what's best, especially if she isn't in it anyway. Why force myself to change or accept what she's done wrong to me if she's not willing to do the same or show remorse?
I know it's not an easy road ahead but at the very least I know I'll land on my feet - whether that's with her or not. Any thoughts or advice anyone can offer would be greatly appreciated. I'm trying to make the changes I need for myself but being with her is basically all I know so it isn't coming easy to me.
