actually what i'm freaking out about this morning isn't, as would be expected, that i'm scared we won't get back together, i'm freaking because i'm scared if we do, i'll get all messed up again in his chaos - i saw it clearly yesterday, and by the evening, i was so anxious and my spasms got worse (they can be affected by emotions) and i was like - oh my god, this man does something that i can't even begin to describe that is so crazy making -
i think when he so completely denies his feelings, i feel completely invisible because i cannot express my reaction to them and how his actions affect me - and then it's like i don't exist. i know it's his way of self-protecting because he can't handle what he's feeling. but when he's sitting there acting like he's angry and later i say please help me to understand what you are angry about, he says in this cool detached voice - i simply don't know what you are talking about, you're imagining stuff, everything is great.
that leaves me in a state of utter nuttiness, because i can see he's upset, i can see the matyr look on his face and then his complete denial makes me feel like i got everything wrong and something must be wrong with me.
so labug's advice of just letting them be is the only way to handle things
i'm writing so much here, because as i write i find myself finding and identifying what is difficult for me and then once i realize it, i feel i can do something about it.
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
