Just had a chance to do a 180. My H goes to see the orthopedist on Thursday about his knee. He went in to work today around 8:30 am, and his knee was bothering him by the time I got to work around 10:30 am. I told him to try and ice it and not walk to much. He rides the train to work and stands up most of the trip. He should probably just drive there, but parking in the city can be an issue and EXPENSIVE.
I talked to him around 2 pm and he told me he had checked on how to get short-term disability. Here's where the 180 comes in: H and I have always had disagreements about money. It stems from when he first moved in with me from NC and it took him a LONG time to find a job. Like MONTHS. I didn’t handle that very well. Okay, I didn’t handle it well at all. I became very bitter and kind of disgusted at him being home everyday doing nothing. (Cleaning included!) And we couldn’t afford it. We struggled for the first year of marriage trying to catch up financially from his unemployment.
Anyway, back to the 180. He would need to be out of work for 8 consecutive days before he’s eligible for disability, which would mean using his remaining leave and LWOP. I validated his feelings about possibly needing short-term disability, and told him that if that’s what he felt he needed to do I was okay with it. I’m actually surprised at how I handled it. Before, I would have come up with any other option besides him being out of work. Every man in my family has worked since they were young, and when they were not at work, they worked at home doing something. According to my grandfather: A man don’t work…he don’t eat. LOL (Love my Southern roots!)
We are WAY better off financially and I can basically take care of the household by myself if I need to. Not the case before, which stressed me out and didn’t help my feelings toward him about it. I feel like this was a chance to show him some of my changes without making a big deal about it. I’m really learning not to sweat the small stuff. It’s WAY easier than I would have ever thought.
Well, last night I had to open my mouth. I told my H that I wanted to talk about us (or us not being us). It's been 3 months since we sat down and talked about us. It needed to be done.
Some of the highlights: -He still feels like he's tried all he could and is done. - He says he needs to get his own place because he needs space from everyone. -He says he doesn't want to be married to me anymore. -He doesn't feel like he knows how to be a husband. - He feels all of the things that lead him to want to marry me have gone down to nothing. -He feels like we lost our friendship and can't get it back. -He is full of shame and guilt over his A.
One of the things he brought up was my relationship with my stepson and how in the beginning he thought I should be doing more to build that. Even though it hurt to hear him say that, it was a breakthrough for me. I told him I was afraid I wasn't good enough to be his stepmother. Thanks to counseling I have worked through that. This was a conversation we had 2 years ago. I asked him why didn't he talk to me about the way he was feeling then. He seemed shocked by my admission about not being good enough, and asked me why I didn't tell him that then.
He then went into he doesn't know who he is sometimes and needs space to go find himself. Is this a clue to him being in a MLC? He made a point to say he needed time by himself. I told him even if he left me, he'd still be with OW. He said he wasn't leaving to be with her. I asked him if she wasn't in the picture would he be trying to move out so fast? No response.
I tried to validate his feelings about him wanting to leave. But I also told him I hadn't gotten to the place he is in, and wasn't ready to give up on us. Every time I would say that he would get teary eyed and just shake his head.
The guilt of his A is weighing heavy on him. He cried and cried last night saying he never intended to hurt me and he f'd up. Said something strange about not wanting his sins to be put on his son???
I asked him what we were going to tell my stepson. He said we would figure something out. I said the truth. He then got REALLY biligerent and said yes, the truth, because I don't want him to make the same mistakes I have. I asked him if showing him that marriage takes work and you just don't give up would be better. His face got this very determined look and he looked me straight in my eyes and said I will tell him not to stay with someone when he's not happy.
I did ask him why he picked OW. He said because she was a friend to him and would listen to him and be interested in what he had to say.
I don't want this post to be extra long, so I'm cutting it off here. The conversation ended when I said So now what? No answer. We just went to bed. And yes, he slept in bed with me. Normally after R talks he ends up sleeping on the couch.
Not sure where to go from here. I need to schedule my next DB coaching session to get some guidance.
I told him I felt like he had a checklist in his head of all the things I did wrong and instead of talking to me about it, he chose to check them off and once he got to the last one, he was done. And I never even knew or got a chance to change. All of the things he brought up were things that happened 2 or 3 years ago that I thought we had resolved. He admitted that he does not communicate well. I told him he and OW seem to communicate fine. He agreed that he shut me out when he should have been talking to me.
So here we are. Still not sure when he's moving so the conversation didn't really help I guess.
I also did something I haven't done in a long time, and probably shouldn't have this morning.
When my H got up this morning, I got up too, and went and snuggled with him in the couch. He didn't push me away or anything. I think he just knew I needed at least that little bit. This was one of the issues I brought up last night. How we used to snuggle and all that and then it just stopped.
I also got a little hysterical at the fact that we were supposed to be trying for a baby this year, and instead he went and found a ready made family with her FOUR kids, including two twin little girls. I think that might have sent both of us over the edge at that point.
