Well, last night I had to open my mouth. I told my H that I wanted to talk about us (or us not being us). It's been 3 months since we sat down and talked about us. It needed to be done.
Some of the highlights: -He still feels like he's tried all he could and is done. - He says he needs to get his own place because he needs space from everyone. -He says he doesn't want to be married to me anymore. -He doesn't feel like he knows how to be a husband. - He feels all of the things that lead him to want to marry me have gone down to nothing. -He feels like we lost our friendship and can't get it back. -He is full of shame and guilt over his A.
One of the things he brought up was my relationship with my stepson and how in the beginning he thought I should be doing more to build that. Even though it hurt to hear him say that, it was a breakthrough for me. I told him I was afraid I wasn't good enough to be his stepmother. Thanks to counseling I have worked through that. This was a conversation we had 2 years ago. I asked him why didn't he talk to me about the way he was feeling then. He seemed shocked by my admission about not being good enough, and asked me why I didn't tell him that then.
He then went into he doesn't know who he is sometimes and needs space to go find himself. Is this a clue to him being in a MLC? He made a point to say he needed time by himself. I told him even if he left me, he'd still be with OW. He said he wasn't leaving to be with her. I asked him if she wasn't in the picture would he be trying to move out so fast? No response.
I tried to validate his feelings about him wanting to leave. But I also told him I hadn't gotten to the place he is in, and wasn't ready to give up on us. Every time I would say that he would get teary eyed and just shake his head.
The guilt of his A is weighing heavy on him. He cried and cried last night saying he never intended to hurt me and he f'd up. Said something strange about not wanting his sins to be put on his son???
I asked him what we were going to tell my stepson. He said we would figure something out. I said the truth. He then got REALLY biligerent and said yes, the truth, because I don't want him to make the same mistakes I have. I asked him if showing him that marriage takes work and you just don't give up would be better. His face got this very determined look and he looked me straight in my eyes and said I will tell him not to stay with someone when he's not happy.
I did ask him why he picked OW. He said because she was a friend to him and would listen to him and be interested in what he had to say.
I don't want this post to be extra long, so I'm cutting it off here. The conversation ended when I said So now what? No answer. We just went to bed. And yes, he slept in bed with me. Normally after R talks he ends up sleeping on the couch.
Not sure where to go from here. I need to schedule my next DB coaching session to get some guidance.
