woke up this morning and realized once again, that i am still in this very heavy pattern with h - within myself , in my mind - i've stopped showing and reacting to him but within myself it is very much present
through our whole relationship this pattern was present. when he's behaving and just being a decent human being, i have had no problems and have been pretty content. but when he gets into one of his moods, it's like i fall off the deep end - the anxiety rises, i feel manipulated, crazy making stuff happens and before i know it i'm in the hole.
so i have to figure what this is about - for myself - why do i feel so crazy when he is doing his thing - that is, creating chaos around him? which is what he does. why does everything feel so irrational and nutty?
i've said to myself, as long as i keep being reactive, i cannot be with this man, because i can't handle what he does.
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
