Sorry for the hiatus. The kids came back up here last week, and W came back yesterday. Single-parenting is hard, but that's only an excuse. I had times I could have written back. I have time for whatever I set as a priority.
Originally Posted By: 25yearsmlc
Do not put it off
or wait for things to improve OR deteriorate to do Retrovaille. THIS is a step to get you to piecing...
I could be wrong but Something tells me you are a bit too passive in this regard. You don't put in the work or take the iniative to improve things and don't want to confront if it's difficult or emotionally charged (the porn may be symptomatic of that too??)...
... Regardless of that issue, in the long run, "conflict avoidance" is NOT easier on anyone. I wish more people realized this, sooner. It means that you don't know how to solve tough problems together. That's such a huge life skill all couples need, to be a team.
You don't have to agree, but do you get what I am saying?
I do. I have asked her a little about the Marriage 911 Workshop by Joe Beam, and her response to "trying everything" was "there will always be another thing to try." I will ask her in the next week about Retrovaille, saying let's try something.
I am finally ready to work on myself. "Conflict avoidance" has always been my MO, but it is hard for me to even see this as more than a pattern. I can't think back to particular interactions where I backed down to avoid conflict. But I will keep trying to see the past with clarity, while focussing on the present and analyzing a day as it ends. How did I interact with her? What was I trying to do (honesty is tough)? What were the results? I don't need to obsess or regret, but I do need to learn.
I am finally at a point in my life where I want to change more than my behavior and where I see that more than my behavior needs to change. I am acknowledging that my actions, behaviors, and habits are based on and come from my attitudes, beliefs, and deep things that I have never paid attention to. Laziness, based on fear, has led me to look for the quick-fix.
So, I will try to get her to go to Retrovaille. I fear that I might have to twist her arm, but I need to be willing to do that.
