What is going on here... and what do I do?

[LIO]

Hi All,
This is the first time I've really ever posted to a message board, much less having to admit what is going on in my life.
Hopefully I'm doing this right...

Husband and I are in our early thirties. We were married when we were 21. Overall, I see now that husband has a history of shaking up his/our world every 6 months - some are more extreme than others, but generally I've found they always are around October and last until April/May. I think it's partially Seasonal Affect Disorder because where we live there is grey skies and rain the entire 6 months. Maybe...

History:
October-April 02 husband left to live with family in the SW sun. After 9/11, he couldn't 'handle' life and left me up here while he figured out what to do. He called me and wrote letters every day stating how much he missed me. We reunited in April at my doing (I said I'd move to where he was). We ended up back here in the NW grey/rain weather.

I admit, I am not very pleasant to be with at times - but especially at this point. I was upset that he could so easily leave and he could never explain why. I admit, I am bossy and needy where he is more free spirited. I do all the housework, the bills and he plays games and does his own activities.

Sometime in 2004 - he has one night stand. I don't find out about this until he confesses a couple years ago.
Sometime in 2006 - he kisses another woman. Don't find out about this until confession 2010.

Baby comes, new house.

Our schedules change for the worse. We are now on complete opposite schedules until child starts school (this fall). We never have alone time nor does he care to now.

2010, November: husband is acting moody, distant. Given that his M.O. is this in October - April, I tend to his moods, but don't think much of it. He confesses the 2004/2006 incidents and tells me that he's wanted to tell me when it happened. He also states he isn't sure if he wants to be married. I am devastated.

2011-2011: Things are rocky. He's never fully acknowledged he wants to be married and sporadically says 'I love you'. I see he's depressed and frustrated with his work and his life.

2012 Feb: I leave to go to visit his family in the SW, he doesn't want to go. Not unusual. He called me every day I was there. I could tell husband was going down his depression path and I'm trying to maintain relationships with his family for the sake of our child. His patterns are applying for lots of work in October, not hearing anything, and then starting to spiral in November.

Husband told me on the phone when I arrived back home that he didn't want to be married anymore, and he didn't come home that night. He hasn't been home at night since. He told me that he didn't miss me at all when I was gone (hello, he called every day) and that he only missed our child. He's moved out to a "friend's" house (I've been asked, and I 100% believe this is not a woman - as I've asked him repeatedly and told him if it was - it's over. He's denied it every time).

He's so checked out at this point that I don't know what to do.

The hard part is that my FIL is staying at my house for the next month (we traveled back to the state together and he has been here since the Feb bomb dropped). Our child's birthday is coming up later next month and more inlaws are expecting to come stay at my house (Even though their SON is not here!?!) They are not reasonable people and I can further damage relationships if I make a fuss. I feel like I'm being used here by my husband to act as a barrier to his parents and responsibilities. He has barely spoken to his father even though he's in the same state and usually has a good relationship with him. Husband just comes over each morning at 8:00 am and uses the TV, the internet, the shower, feeds our kid and then exchanges the kid with me at 2:00 pm. He goes to work until 11:00pm, then goes to his friends house. I could offer to leave the house at night (have him here from 11:00 pm to 2:00 pm) but I feel that will hurt my case. I feel like that he is taking advantage of his dad being here and the longer he spends away, the easier it gets for him to be gone. He doesn't need to act like an adult because daddy is here to make excuses for him. His father won't even have a sit down with him to talk about what is going on. It's too passive for my tastes.

In the meantime, kid has been promised a dog for 3 years, and now FIL and husband are angry with me because I said "Right now we are in limbo and I don't feel like introducing a dog will be the best thing." FIL was angry and said that I was punishing my child because of what husband is doing.

Honestly I've felt like I'm the 'mom' in this relationship. I've talked until I'm blue in the face (and he says I'm harping at him) about how he should come home. Our child asks him to come home and husband ignores him. Husband won't answer his phone at night (it goes to voice mail) and if I dare state my expectations, I can fully expect to hear from him the next day about how he's moving out and is filing for divorce. (I did find the divorce paperwork started but he hasn't bothered to fill in the rest and won't get a lawyer). He's taken away one paycheck so far, and was shocked when I presented him with a list of bills he'd have to pay on his own and his income. "But how am I supposed to live?" he asked... "It's expensive here" I replied.

He called tonight and it turned into me telling him that I want him to come home. He says "I know I heard you. I'll see you tomorrow." I don't know how to have a conversation with him that doesn't turn into me demanding he come home. I'm fully expecting to hear from him tomorrow about he wants to move out...

Help.. I'm feeling trapped and I don't know what to do. I really didn't want to get a divorce from him - but I'm feeling painted into a corner. Normally I'm the "take action, I'll do it" kinda gal - but I feel like right now I should do nothing? Do I continue these phone conversations (that is when he isn't calling his father's phone to talk to our son)? I feel like if I say nothing at all - he is all too easily capable of 'forgetting' what good things he had going on here. He's so self-absorbed right now that he could care less about what I'm doing, as long as it doesn't affect what he 'feels' like doing.

urgh... drama drama drama. Thank you all for reading. I've been stressing about this and I don't understand how someone can go from sooo loving at first to a person who I don't even recognize. I also don't know what I should be acting like. I feel like my world is crashing down.