the path is the goal...

[zig]

thanks for the hug, labug - i really needed it - all evening i've been thinking i sure could do with a hug right now and now i got one:)

And is it so bad that he encouraged S to call you Mama again? Maybe he knew the lack of that was hurtful to you.

yes, that is a more loving way of looking at it. i will try to do that

you're right, my expectations of something "obviously" good happening in there were behind the disappointment. i've been aware of that all afternoon after i got back

that was all i was trying to point out in the appointment - that s is displaying his displeasure and upset by not calling us mama and dada. my point being that even though he acts "happy" all the time, he is deeply affected by this. and now in the last few days he is switching back and forth - calling me mama when he is ok with what i'm doing and calling me by my name in this stern manner when he doesn't like what i'm doing (i didn't get around to even mentioning that)



the way i see it is if he genuinely had son's emotional well-being at the fore front, he would have let me describe it, and then turned to the therapist to see what she had to say about it. instead he tried to turn the conversation into a battle about him being right and me being wrong

Was there a part of you that wanted this appt to show H how his leaving had affected S, to blame him fro leaving S and you?

i sat with this and my feelings about it for the whole of march while he was away - and admitted to myself that my hidden agenda was for him to see that s was deeply affected. i worked my feelings through it all and let it go and really got to the point where i realized that that was even more selfish of me than what he was doing. when we went in there today i was clear about it for myself - it was for our son.

even though i'm struggling with a lot of things here, it has become clear for me that i really don't have expectations about h coming back. what i do expect and maybe i have to let that go too, is that he would participate in helping s through this difficult time. actually after today i don't even expect that

you're right the sky isn't falling but i do feel a bit as if i'm being bombarded in some way.

the ironic thing is that ever since this whole thing started, all i wanted to do was be left alone. i'm still puzzled by why he is so much in my face. if he wants to leave he should just leave, why is he creating such a goddamn fuss. why can't he just make the final break, be honest and up front about it , make it clear for everyone and in every part of his life, acknowledge that of course the child will be affected, do his best to make it easy for the child and just go on his way. why do i have to be put through the wringer because of his guilt?

wow, i guess i'm feeling really resentful tonight .
sorry for venting so profusely and thanks for the support labug.