Pursuit and Distance

[Accuray]

Hi Frustrated2,

Thanks for dropping by and contributing! These can be difficult topics to discuss for sure. Do you have a thread here?

I’ve read thru your threads and find myself wondering if I am a little like your wife. I have been with my H for 20 years, I love him and want him to feel loved and cared about however I find myself in a place where I do not desire him and I am not comfortable opening myself up to him - kissing him, being touched by him, etc. I know this is because of past difficulties in our relationship but I do not know how to regain (rebuild?) the desire to be intimate and sexually engaged.

Well I assume from your quote that at one point you DID desire him, but you no longer do. Is that correct? If so, I think my W is a bit different in that she would claim to never have desired anyone sexually. Could you see yourself desiring someone else, or do you not desire sex no matter who it's with?

Whereas I was at one point hung up on the sexual aspects of our relationship, I've come to understand that sex really is not the issue for me -- the issue is intimacy, and sexual distance is just a symptom.

Aside from sex, are you comfortable being intimate with your husband? Do you make yourself vulnerable, are you willing to discuss your hopes and fears? Are you willing to be "seen" as it were?

Women are typically emotional pursuers and sexual distancers. My W is a sexual distancer AND an emotional distancer. Do you find that you are the same way?

I feel stuck. I know that H has needs and it is appropriate for him to request sex X times per week and I try to accommodate that but it isn’t helping me to desire him.

From the books I've read, one bit of advice is that people assume that sex should follow desire, but it's been proven that for many people, desire actually follows sex, which is to say that if you just start doing it, you'll find you enjoy it, but that you won't necessarily desire it beforehand. Do you find that's the case? Once you start do you enjoy the experience, or is it bad for you all the way through? My W said to her it's like getting in a cold pool -- it's hard to overcome your resistance to starting, but once you're in it's good.

My biggest frustration right now is that I don’t know what it would take to help me feel that desire and feel comfortable opening up with him. I realize that sharing this with you may or may not provide any insight as to what is going on with your wife however I thought it might be helpful to hear from a different perspective.

Sure, I'm happy to have the discussion, maybe the discussion can help both of us. Are you motivated to try to make it better? If so, what have you tried? Our MC suggested several books to my W as a good starting point, but she refused to read them. Do you have a plan going forward?

If at one point you did have desire for H, do you know what happened to make that desire fade? What did he do or not do?

Are there other men you find sexually desireable? What do they have that H does not?

Is there anything you could put your finger on that H could do that would make a difference? If he lost weight, got in better shape, started dressing better, became more assertive, became more active, became more emotionally attentive, any of that make a difference?

Have you read "The Five Love Languages?" What is your primary LL, and does H speak it?

Thanks!

Accuray