the path is the goal...

[zig]

journaling -
i have had a really emotional afternoon and evening - can't really figured out what has triggered me off so bad.

find myself thinking it's time to give up completely. i feel that he has just been manipulating these past few days - being really nice and friendly, saying he wants to resolve our problems and then behaving as he did at the appointment.

i just called to say goodnight to s and he just gave the phone to h saying i needed to tell h how to do something. h came on the phone and acted all relaxed and friendly - as if none of what had happened earlier occurred. i didn't tell him what to do, but after h told me what s was going on about i said that since he was on the phone i would like him to call me later because i'd like to go through a few things with him

i need to tell him that it's not okay for me that he "orders" s to do or be a certain way with me. one of the biggest concerns for me with s's reaction to the separation has been s not calling us mama and dad. when i brought that up today at the counseling, h leaped on it (as he always does) - that was when i asked if we could each have a chance to say what we want. i described how it was and was in the middle of saying that recently s had started to call me mama again, when h interrupted and said it was because he told s to and that's why he is calling me mama now.

the conversation got sidetracked and i never went through what i still had to say, but now i am left with this outraged feeling about what he did. that is one of the most significant effects (s told mil and me right after the separation started in an extremely angry voice that he never ever wanted to hear the words dad or dada again and don't we dare say them) that we see in s, and as far as i can see h is trying to manipulate s into removing that so that it can seem that things are better than they are?

mil told me today that last week h was there telling her how great s was doing and she said that she didn't really think he was. h apparently reacted extremely angrily and stormed out. so this is definitely an issue that i am going to have to face here.

and now i'm wondering is he going to take what i say in counseling and then work on s to remove those behaviors so that things seem better to us all.

suddenly i am so deeply angry with him - this appointment was about s and he made it about himself and he is so selfish that i cannot get over it

i have been crying off and on all evening - i think from feeling helpless and also because i keep finding myself thinking i am so done with this man - the things i'm seeing and the messages i am getting make me see more and more that he maybe has been like this always and i was too scared to acknowledge it because i felt that i had to stay and make it work because we had a child

i feel so discouraged today - and i'm so close to telling him that i am done, done.

at the same time i feel so confused because even while i'm feeling that i'm thinking to myself what if that's the wrong move and it sends him away completely

maybe all this was defensive on his part because he is feeling so guilty.

sheesh talk about second guessing myself constantly - this sitch is making me into a nutcase