Do I just give in?

[Accuray]

Hi Hurt84,

Welcome to the boards. You are on moderation, so your posts will take some time to show up before the moderators get to know you.

Take a deep breath. So far, what you've been doing is very natural but it will not work. You cannot "manage" this situation on your timeline, and your W cannot will herself to want to be back in this marriage. At this point you have already lost her, so the question is, do you want to work on getting her back, or do you want to let her go?

It's important to acknowledge that you've already lost her, because from that perspective, she owes you nothing. Saving the marriage is entirely up to you, and it is not a shared project.

So first, what do you want?

Assuming that W's affair was equal to your worst imaginings, and assuming that W is not remorseful and may never apologize, do you want her back? What conditions do you have and why do you have them?

Hurt84, you are facing a long road before you. This will not be resolved in days or even weeks. Your W started departing the relationship emotionally long ago, so it can't be restored quickly.

For now, here's what you should do:

1) Read the "DivorceBusting" book, let that be your guide

2) Give your wife space. Absolutely do not pursue her, push for meetings etc. Do not discuss your relationship at all. Just give her space and "act as if" everything is fine with you.

3) Do not do ANYTHING that will make your wife resent you, this is incredibly important. Do not make her responsible for your feelings. Do not scold or chastise her. Do not beg or plead. Do not tell her she's making you sad or hurt or angry. She will resent you for doing all of those things. Do not talk to her family, do not try to get third parties to influence her, just give her space.

4) If you can afford it, speak to a telephone coach on this site. I don't work for this site in any way, I'm a customer. When the bomb dropped on me I can tell you that the DB coach was the best money I ever spent, they really know their stuff.

Post more about what lead up to this and what YOU want, and I or others here will give you some more guidance. In the meantime, read some other threads. Check out JKS and HopingandPraying.

Accuray