looking for hope

[jc180]

Yesterday was our court hearing for temporary orders. I showed up with three character witnesses and she was by herself. We conferred with our attorneys present and came to an agreement on custody and visitation. We will split our time with our son in half and whomever had visitation for that day will reside in our home. That way our son doesn't have to go anywhere until the D is final. We had to go in front of the judge to argue about the bills. I had tried to negotiate before the hearing but she wouldn't have it. In the end the judge made me pay three of my own bills and she has to pay $500 per paycheck in spousal support. She is also responsible for the rest of the bills. It was more than I was expecting! So beginning tomorrow I must leave the house for 5 days straight. It is going to be rough but I knew I couldn't stay here forever.

The relationship with my W is very strained. The last few days she hasn't said a word to me as we changed possession of our son. However, her roller coaster behavior was continuing before that. One minute she is pleasant and flirting the next she is telling me I am dominating her and she hates me. I continue to be as nice as possible. Except that I made a mistake. She came over one night and demanded that she be allowed to spend the night with our son. So when I came home she was in the shower and her purse was laying out. I confess I snooped. I didn't go through it all, but I did find something that disturbed me. It was a paper insert for birth control pills. A week before she left me she ordered the pills, but when I went to pick them up the Dr. never sent in the script. So she must have had to call the Dr. again and have it filled. I assume it was after she walked out because she never told me she filled it. So now my mind is going crazy thinking about it because I already had my suspicions.

So far I've slowed down on looking for a job. I'm trying to push through the depression but it is hard. I'm just afraid of more change in my life. I feel like I don't have control over anything.