Today I gave H a ride to work, from work, cashed his check for him & took him to the store. We have been getting along well this week for the most part. The cable company was supposed to come to his place today to do an install & he told them he wouldn't be out of work until 3:30 pm. They left a message that they had been there & he wasn't so they left & he was supposed to call back. He ws irritated & I said why don't you call them right now in case they are still close by? He got irritated w/ me & said that I need to learn to stay out of his personal business & life & stop trying to control him. I said I was just making a suggestion & he made a comment about me thinking I am smarter than everyone.
I get frustrated because I didn't mean it to be controlling at all. It is hard to see it from his view since it was not my intent. He is always telling me how to drive, etc but he thinks that is different.
Sometimes I feel like i can't talk about anything around him because it might be "wrong". I feel like we can't even have a normal conversation because even when I think twice about what I am going to say, he still gets offended! I've always felt that part of relationships was giving & taking advice, getting different opinions etc. He obviously doesn't & I'm having trouble stopping myself from saying what comes naturally.
I am also having trouble drawing the line between being nice & getting taken advantage of. Whenever he needs something, I am there for him & don't mind helping out - I am usually like that with friends & family.. The part I'm struggling with is that he seems to appreciate it, but forgets about the "good" stuff when something is done or said "wrong". I'm not helping him so I can hold it over his head & for him to come back. But, is it wrong to expect a little more respect - by the time he got out of the car today after the cable discussion, he pretty much was mad & went in the house. He says I expect him to kiss my as$ since I help him out if he needs it, but i don't expect that, just want some courtesy I guess.
Am I looking at this all wrong? If not, how should I handle in the future?
Not sure how to deal with some things - Spent some time w/ H yesterday. Things were okay but he made a comment that i'm not sure how to handle. He said that he thinks I have an ulterior motive when I do things for him, gave him a birthday gift etc. I do the things because I want to but of course I know deep down that I am trying to prove to him how much he needs me, would miss me, etc. I didn't tell him that but now I don't know what to do. He says he thinks sometimes I am just trying to win him back. Well, I am but I guess I need to be less obvious?
I can't figure out what his LL is, guess I need to read thru that book again. Should I just stop doing things for him all together, or just if he asks? I tend to "volunteer" for things even if he doesn't ask, probably because he doesn't ask for help or anything very often. If he does ask & I say no, he will sometimes get irritated or mad.
I actually felt quite angry towards him yesterday & fed up. I felt like it was a breakthrough finally & I would be able to detach better, but today I feel lonely, sad & miss him alot.
Do things that you want to because you love him, not because you want to win him back.
When I was still living with ex-b, and he dropped the first bomb, I went overboard doing things I thought he liked to win him over. These were things I would do anyway normally, but to a greater extent. What I didn't realize was a lot of it was part of the problem in the first place (his being smothered).
So don't go overboard on anything - do what you'd normally do or better, even LESS (since he obviously doesn't want you giving him too much anyway). And don't offer up suggestions. It isn't controlling, but he is a big boy and can do things himself. With ex-b, I can see his kitchen is messy and I won't touch a thing (as much as I feel like cleaning it and putting dishes in washer, etc.). I don't offer up too many suggestions, unless he asks - or it seems obvious that he's looking for one. What I do offer is support.
So support him, listen to him, but don't throw out lots of suggestions unless he asks. I do occasionally also if it will effect my time. Once we were going to dinner, getting gas and going to the bank. We stopped for gas first, and were less than a mile from the bank and at least 3 miles to dinner. He was going to do dinner first, but I said that the bank-drive through would be quicker in the long run ( the restaurant was on the way to his place, but the bank was in the opposite direction). We'd have wasted a half hour that neither of us really had.
So in some cases, it's okay (at least to me). But it if only has to do with him - just leave it alone.
Thanks dfb - that is the hard part because I do it because I love him but he doesn't want to have to "need" anyone, based on his past I suppose. He also felt smothered, but admits that he knows I am just being caring & he doesn't know how to deal with that.
I would do anything for him but most of the time he will not ask. Now he thinks that if he asks me for help or support, he is giving me the wrong idea about where we are going. Which I guess he thinks is nowhere right now, although I have learned to not panic when he says that because he changes his mind all the time as I explained in an earlier post. Have to admit I'm always wondering if it is for real each time.
Thanks for your support. I have followed your thread & hope to someday be as strong as you!
H has been saying that he is ready to move home for the last few weeks. He even told his parents & grandma that he was coming home this next weekend.
I am trying to not get overly excited because I would not be surprised if he backed out at the last minute. I just keep telling myself not to push & to remember that he is closer than he has been in months.
Anyway, today he said we need to talk about finances. One of his problems with me was feeling that I am controlling. I realize I am to a degree but in some ways (like finances), I feel like I need to stand my ground so we don't get in to worse financial shape than we are in now. (being separated, etc. has taken its toll) I am paid on salary & he is paid hourly. He wants to be able to keep any OT money he makes for himself to save for toys, car stuff,etc. I told him that was fine & I realized we need to handle finances differently this time around. I think I validated his feelings but he thinks that if I don't completely agree with how he feels about this issue & am just agreeing to do it anyway, that I am just saying it to get him to come home. I said I wouldn't do that because in the long run it would still be a problem between us & I don't want him to come back just to leave again.
I told him that I have thought about alot of things over the last 6 months & realize that I have to be better at seeing things from his perspective & be willing to compromise. I thought I was validating his thoughts but he keeps saying that there is no way I will agree to this once he is back home.
What do I do or say to show him I can live with this & it won't be a problem? I tried to explain that I have been living on less for 6+ months so what he puts towards bills from his regular 40 hours will be a great help. I can see why he thinks I won't really follow thru based on actions from the past, but how do I convince him?
Hope this isn't to confusing... Thanks for any advice.
I, too am back to posting these last few weeks after lurking around since Aug. My sitch started last June, and my H is getting ready to leave (Feb 28)...so I am in a very different place. However, I have read, and re-read DR, DB, watched Michele's tapes, had regular counceling, etc on this solution based therapy and have made some headway in my sitch....changes that I have control over.
Now, my suggestion for you....is that it's obvious your H is skeptical about your changes...if they are for real or just an act. And it will take him what 6-8 weeks of consistency of your changed behavior to BELIEVE it might be for real. In other words, your issues...(we all have them and need to change them if we want our M back) need to be real. Don't try to convince him anymore. Show him. Maybe on the financial piece....give him a monthly budget you have been following....show him how you've managed and validate that his income will support the household, plus he can set aside whatever $$$$ for toys,etc. Then leave it alone. Don't aks him about is whereabouts....especially if you are suspicious....let him volunteer the info if he wants. And get a life, even if/when he moves back in. Don't always be around for him. Don't play games either. You know what to do. Keep on DBing....especially after he comes home. Don't slip....or if you do, catch yourself and admit it to him, BEFORE he gets critical. Beat him to the punch, matter of factly and w/o emotion.
You can do this, I'm sure. And I am impressed that he wants to come home now, whatever you are doing...KEEP DOING IT!
I'm with Mooka on this. Finance are tough, especially if you are the one that was stuck holding the bag while he "checked out of the net" for a while.
Play it cool, assure him that he can keep his OT money, validate his feelings but tell him that he's just going to have to trust you on this one.
As far as the argument that you are just doing it to get him to come back home now...it's an argument you can't win...I mean how do you prove that you won't do something???
You've listen to him, you've validated his concerns, you've addressed his issues. Now let him decide what he wants to do.
Thanks for the input mooka & jstx. Unfortunately, I guess my H is going backwards again. He said he was coming home this weekend & now I haven't talked to him at all in 3 days & only for about 10 minutes all week. He called to talk about the finance stuff & then to talk about wanting to get a new dog & that was it. He was still acting like he was coming back this weekend. He said I was going to be really surprised when he showed up with his stuff.
I kept saying I wasn't going to get my hopes up or believe it until it actually happened, but deep down, I did get my hopes up. I know from reading DR & being on this BB it is normal to have steps forward & then backwards. But it is still hard to deal with.
I guess he is just pulling away since he was starting to get close again? He was here all day last Sunday. We went to his grandparents & he told them he was moving back home, we came back here, made dinner & hung out. Was very loving & intimate. He actually went home after dinner & then called at 10 pm & asked to come back over to stay the night. He was talking about being ready to come home alot & how much he loves me.
Then, he has pretty much blown me off this week. It is so hard to understand.
I keep telling myself that he is getting closer & if I am patient it will happen. I just feel like screaming right now. I just want the weekend to be over so I can get back to work & get my mind off this. Then I get crazy thoughts that something has happened to him & that is why I haven't heard from him.....
Going to try & stay busy today to get my mind off it. Guess I am not as detached as I thought I was getting.
Am I on the right track thinking he is just scared & backing off again for awhile?
He actually went home after dinner & then called at 10 pm & asked to come back over to stay the night. He was talking about being ready to come home alot & how much he loves me.