I wanted to let you know I completely can identify and understand what you and your boys are going through in regards to abandonment, resentment, and anger.
Not everyone is going to agree with my opinion on this, and that's ok. But my opinion is you have to handle your sitch with your children accordingly and how you know your children. You know your children and their personalities and how they express their emotions. Be honest with them.
See I felt it was very important my kids have a voice during all of this and their feelings be heard. I chose to tell the kids as much of the truth that I could without elaborating on the horrible details (spew) and drama.
What I do is I talk to them objectively. They've expressed anger and resentment about their dad. I let them talk freely, and even asked them some questions to help them open up a bit. I was honest with them and told them that I wasn't happy with their father's choices either and I was heartbroken as well. I let them know that there was nothing we could've done to stop this and it really was no one's fault. I told them that we do NOT have to like his choices, but we do have to ACCEPT THEM. And all that meant is we acknowledge what he's done and how he's living his life now. There was nothing we could do about it, as much as we don't like what he did and how so many things have changed.
See the kids are left behind too. They feel abandonment too. They need to feel safe to let out their emotions. Their well being through this has been my main focus. It was so hard to see them pain they felt. But enocuraging them to be honest with their Dad is what really helped them establish I better relationship that they continue to build with consistently now. My D12 let XH know without ANY DOUBT she was DEVASTATED by his relationship with OW, that he had just REPLACED ME, and her family unit was broken. Infact it was my D12 that I feel woke him up a bit. Of course he had to spew at me about it a few times, but spew is par for the course so I wasn't suprised.
I agree if your H wants to be a better father that he must work on that. He must start to rebuild that bridge that he's burnt with his sons. This is the hard part but it takes its own course quite well. His relationship with the boys is his relationship with the boys. Any conflict with them, he needs to handle. What's hard is that the boys will have to learn to address this with him on their own as well. Avoid getting involved in their issues unless it's necessary that you do. Be prepared for your H to start blaming you for any conflicts that may arise between him and the boys.
My xh made me the scape goat for the girls being so angry at him. He tried picking fights with me over Christmas vacation because D12 was at his house overnight the first time and crying her eyes out because she missed me. That infuriated him, and he accused me of making her feel guilty for having fun. I just played it cool, and he literally had no response.
And that's my advice. Keep it cool. Don't write/text or talk to him about the emotional issues the boys may have over this, because quite frankly the MLcer's don't care and won't even acknowledge it. That's what I did, emailed about the issues, and Xh ignored it and didn't even respond. I think he thought I was making up stories. Boy did he get a rude awakening and find out the truth.
It got very nasty with Xh and children, so bad I had to get my attorney involved. It wasn't until I got my attorney involved and my daughters standing their ground in making their feelings clear did xh start to become compliant. Then he started being a little nicer. Then he started being a lot nice...and still is.
Once again Im so sorry about all of this...for I've walked this path and still am! However you are doing so well, even if it doesn't feel like it.
Those sleepless nights...Valerian root did the trick for me.
