Needing some guidance... 2

[Accuray]

Hi JKS,

You're doing great, all that pain and angst is normal. Keep venting, keep "acting as if" for H. Meetup is a great resource for GAL, I'm in several groups myself and it's usually really fun.

Re-read the sections in DivorceBusting about advice from friends and involving H's family, there is really good advice in there. Your friends will tell you to end it because they hate seeing you in pain, and to them, divorce seems like the quickest and easiest way to make the pain end. They have no idea what you're going through or how you feel, and they can't give you good advice unless they've walked in your shoes, which they haven't. Thank them and tell them that you're really looking for support versus advice, and that you're doing what is right for you.

Generally involving H's parents or extended family is a bad idea and really never works. If you think it through, would you marry someone because your mom told you to? Would you break up with someone because your mom told you to? If H came back to you because his mom told him to, do you think that would last? That's the problem with that strategy -- it feels great when you think of it, because you believe you'll have a sympathetic ally who holds some influence with your spouse. Unfortunately, they really don't have this kind of influence. It's more likely that they'll just make H feel ashamed, and he will blame those negative feelings he's having on you. He'll also blame you for going behind his back, for trying to use his family against him, etc. etc. etc.

One useful bit of advice I got is that everything you do right now needs to be measured against a yardstick of resentment. If I do this, will it make H resent me more or less? Things that will trigger resentment:

-- Making H responsible for your feelings: acting sad around him, letting him know through others how sad you are, telling him how hurt/sad you are, commenting about your life is not as good as it could be. Making innuendos that if he hadn't done this to you, you wouldn't have to deal with XYZ now.

-- Making H responsible for the kids' problems: telling H that the kids are sad because of him, that the kids are acting out because of what he did, etc. etc. He knows.

-- Pursuing: pursuing implies expectations that H will do something in response. He knows what you expect, and when he doesn't reciprocate, he feels guilty

-- Shaming / criticizing / chastising: telling H how immoral his behavior is, that good people don't do that kind of thing, that he's insensitive, etc. etc. etc. All that does is make him resent you for making him feel badly.

All of these behaviors create negative feelings, and he identifies you as the source of those feelings and therefore wants to avoid you, because he doesn't want to feel like that.

How do you avoid resentment?

-- Act as if: Act as if you are happy, and that you don't need H to do anything to support your mood or emotional wellbeing. If H comes back great, and if he doesn't that's ok too.

-- Normalize: If you are talking about things H has done to you, normalize it. i.e. "it's normal to enjoy attention from members of the opposite sex -- that's a human quality that everyone has". "Our relationship had issues that we both contributed to", etc. etc. The point is that you got here together, versus giving the impression that you were a paragon of righteousness and he torpedoed you out of the blue. (Even if that's true, keep it to yourself for now!)

Very hard to do, but so very critical right now. When H thinks of you he can either visualize a broken down shack with an overgrown weed lot and storm clouds overhead, or a nicely painted house with a neatly trimmed lawn and a picket fence. You want to create the mental image of the latter. This is the process of keeping the road home paved smooth.

That is not the same as accepting what he has done. It's just pursuing what you want, which is a reconciled marriage. You will have time to deal with what happened later, once he's bought into reconciliation.

You're doing fine, it will get better!

Accuray