yes i know how that could have turned out - that's why i stayed silent because in that moment when he said that what i heard was "i'm scared of this, i want to be brave but i need some time" that's why i waited
and as for responding - it would be great if you told me - it was a goddamn relief to hear what he wanted- 10 yrs of him NEVER, EVER saying how he wanted anything and then walking out on me because i controlled everything was SOOOOO frustrating
he did calm down right after that - or at least seemed a bit subdued - we pulled into my driveway right then so i don't know how it would have gone if we had still more time driving.
i don't know if i can put in words what went really well there - that i validated what he was really saying?
actually i wasn't frustrated and angry when he said that - i was thinking quite mildly to myself , slightly disappointed "oh that's too bad i would have liked to go every week but let him decide - it's harder for him to do this"
though when reading your question i think i realized that at that moment i was still caught up in what happened at the appointment and trying to deal with my emotions there. i was outwardly calm, but did notice that when he was going on about stuff in the car that i couldn't validate everything, and so didn't say much
right now i feel that his anger is directed at me, but it's really about other stuff - his own stuff and it's not mine to deal with - it will remain to be seen if after he processes for a few days, whether he will realize it also.
do you think that me wanting to discuss s's emotional difficulties during this time, and wanting to help s, is a direct judgment by me of h's behavior? that is what h is trying to say to me. i feel i need to draw a boundary here with h, but have to think about it for awhile to see exactly what it is.
this agitated defensiveness has come up consistently during this sitch whenever there has been any reference to s's difficulties during this time. not just towards me but also towards his parents when they've tried to let him know of their concern about s
is it better for h not to deal with it so directly? and rather i go and deal with it on my own?
sorry , my posts are too long (moan)
thanks KD zig
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
