the path is the goal...

[zig]

good KD, great questions you're asking me - i really need that

So... your H had worked himself up for battle before stepping onto the field...?

Do you feel that is pretty normal behaviour for him, even prior to bomb?

yes , i'm beginning to realize that it might have been - only after the bomb, and during the weeks of talking, it came out that he had this mountain of a stack of grievances against me that stretched back to when we first met - and each of them were as huge asif they had just happened - in fact i was continually amazed at the things he kept bringing up - small things that i couldn't remember had even happened - for e.g.. after a 5 day road trip that was horrific where we slept in a tent on the side of the highway every night, we reached his friends house and i didn't want to go out to the bar with them that night because i was so tired and how hurt he was (aug. 2000). i looked at him in utter amazement, and after validating , later i pointed out to him how astonished i was that he had not let go of even one little thing for 11 yrs.

Also, you say this:
"at one point(because he kept interrupting and saying it wasn't true) i turned to him and said could we please agree to just listen to what the other one is saying even if we don't agree?"

Is this a pattern for the two of you?
it was in the past that we both interrupted each other. i've stopped doing that as a 180, but he continues to do so

Do you always feel that he interrupts you?

he always interrupts, and each time we are talking and i'm trying to say something, i've politely asked him if i could finish my sentence

Do you always feel better after chastising him for interrupting or for not listening... even though you do not actually know if he was listening...?

i felt terrible saying that, and now when you point out that it was chastising, i feel even worse that i didn't recognize that i was doing that. as soon as i start saying what he may not want to hear, he immediately interrupts and says that i am wrong and don't remember anything correctly, and i guess i feel really put down

And at the end of your post... you mention that you are thinking of calling him back to smooth things out...

Is that normal behaviour for you? Your pattern...?
yes, for both of us, but guess what, i did a 180 for myself and didn't call him. let him deal with his own anger and process and figure out his own stuff and if he doesn't want to go back, i will on my own.

What path is that behaviour likely to lead you down?

i realized if i do that kaffe diem is going to point out to me how i'm keeping myself in the double bind (yes , i must be getting it - if i came to that before i read your post)

so after reading your questions, i'm starting to wonder if i was reacting to his defensiveness, by being defensive or supercilious.

i wanted so much to be gentle and loving in there - and just as i write this i realize, that that's how i felt all along in this relationship - that i wanted to be gentle and loving and his demeanor and agitated, defensive way of behaving always made the worst come out in me.

i talked to my mom for a while on the phone and i was quite emotional and couldn't figure out why - and then i realized that his accusing me of being judgmental towards his leaving really really hurt .

i have stepped outside myself to not be judgmental, to try and understand where he's at. i have spent hours (of course unknown to him) listening to his and my family judging and criticizing him and tried to explain why these things happen. i have listened to hours and hours of him ranting and raving his anger at me and not once even retaliating with my own feelings. and i guess i just felt so utterly bereft in that moment.

i don't in anyway expect any acknowledgement from him for my efforts - not at all - but i guess, stupidly i was hoping that at the least he would realize at least that much.

the other thing i realized about why i'm so upset, is that it hit me that in order for us to go in there and talk about s's issues - we both have to be enormously brave -

he is being brave enough to go in there knowing that he will hear painful things about what this is doing to his son - which i already knew, but what i didn't realize about myself was that i would have to be brave enough to say those things in front of him AND face his anger at having to hear them

i have a lot to learn still. right now, i need to ground myself again and get myself back to a good feeling place.

thanks KD keep those questions coming please, if you have the time - they help me enormously

zig

btw - what does your user name mean?