the path is the goal...

[zig]

have to let some stuff out first before answering everyone's wonderful posts


just came back from our appointment together. i can't really figure out what happened in there - i think it made h very angry. i know it did - he was feeling very defensive even before we went in there - and my describing some of s's behavior's made him even more.

at one point(because he kept interrupting and saying it wasn't true) i turned to him and said could we please agree to just listen to what the other one is saying even if we don't agree?

he started and jumped right in giving the impression that we had mutually separated and after about 10 mins, i said that maybe we should back up and clarify that he had chosen to leave. C asked if it was sudden thing and i said yes it was.

absolutely no mention was made by either of us about the OW. i can't figure out if i should have brought that up or not. was i protecting him by not bringing it up - i was waiting for him to bring it up

he did acknowledge that each person likes to see things through their own perception, and that since he had chosen to leave, he questioned whether he was choosing to see that s was totally ok because he wanted to see it that way.

when it was my turn i did describe a couple of the most concerning behaviors, and there was a lot of discussion about that . i could tell that h was resistant to hearing about them - too much too soon? and now i wonder if i should have said not as much or started more gently - of course he doesn't want to hear those things- there is no way to talk about them without it being about what he is doing.

we had an odd conversation in the car - and that's when i started to see how angry he was - he hid it really well in there. and burst out with so when will we see her again , how about 2 weeks is that ok with you. i was disappointed and about to say, wouldn't every week be better, but i stayed silent for a sec, and then he said, well i should stop asking you and just say what i want to do. i replied that i would appreciate that very much if he said what he wanted. and so he said he wanted to go after 2 weeks. and i said that would be fine.

the appointment ended where it was pointed out (by the therapist) that if h showed his emotions more openly to s , s could learn by modeling that it was safe for him to do so. i had made the point earlier that i would like to work towards s being able to show his emotions equally in both houses and not switch back and forth

in the car h made a big deal about how since i was emotional that was my relationship with s and since he was not that was his and that both of us were out of balance emotionally and we related to s from that imbalance -

i'm thinking about calling him back now and sort of smoothing things out and asking him not to see the things i say as a way of hurting him, but just as the facts of the situation. that even though a lot of stuff will come up that will be painful for us both to face, we should do this for s's sake.