Letting people live their lives and GALing...

[AntoniaB]

Hey Wendy!! Glad to hear from you. I've been only sporadically checking the board so I only just now saw your post above. I'm glad that things I've written down here have helped you.

On the fairy tale stuff I am so glad I read it all and believed in it all because it put me on the path in my research...but I'm also glad I moved beyond the classic stuff and started to read the contemporary which consistently points out the flawed logic or grandiose ideas that we attach to...I mean it's all a part of me...if Disney weren't around I wouldn't have 3/4 of my students, who then really get their eyes opened in class!

I'm still coming to terms with the physicality that I missed when single as it seemed like the one thing that really stood out a lot. Now that I am seeing someone there is a lot of physical contact in my life, which I embrace, but I also think I rely on it too much, some times to the exclusion of (or putting on the backburner) the emotional connection. I have come to think that XH and I were physically connected for the last 5 or more years of our marriage prior to his MLC but I don't think emotionally we were connected anymore.

So I'm working on that.

I'm seeing the guy from the art show for about a month now--and this is really good for me in that because he works a lot of hours and because he has a lot of interests of his own (just like I do) that we are not able to spend an enormous amount of time together. My instinct would be to do that very thing, because that's what my marriage was like. But it's not healthy, ultimately, because I'm still too "new" in my new life to get sucked back into codependency on some level if I am in a rel. with a codependent. I think this is why any time I met guys in the past few year who had any trace of codependency I really ran from them or turned them down if they were interested. Just my instinct to stay away.

This guy is very grounded and not codependent at all, good at coompartmentalizing his work and relaxation time. So basically we work all week and we both are writers on the side, so we do things with our books, and then on the weekend, either Friday or Sat., we get together around dinnertime and spend till the next day at noon together. And he's fully present in that time, not distracted by his other stuff or work (nor am I).

You know it's at the point where I really do, most of the time, wish my XH well (in my own mind as I don't see him). OW has now moved in with him and just like everything else he's done regarding her, he's bragging about it all over FB (I'm not connected to him but have been told this by a friend who is). I don't really care, to be honest. It's his life. I can see that he's repeating the same patterns with this woman as he did with me. For a person who was starting to say at the end that he thought we needed to be more individualized and have our own lives and not be so wrapped up in someone else, well, I've broken (or am breaking) that pattern in my relationship now, and he's right back in the thick of it. Only worse. Not only has he given up all his hobbies/interests to follow OW around and be interested only in what she does, but they work at the same place and now live together. So think about it. 24-7, he's with her. Goodness, he and I at least worked at two different places. It's just not healthy to be joined at the hip to someone 24-7.

I'm sorry he is so codependent and can't see it. I do feel like he is in for a rude awakening some day and I feel badly that he hasn't seemed to have learned a thing from all the mess. But it's not my concern anymore. I just pray for him.

Meanwhile I'm almost finished writing my book...and I have an idea for a 3rd book and new research area...and I'm starting to write some creative pieces (poetry, short fiction, memoir) and just trying to stay grounded and centered and ok with the fact that I don't know where my life is going. But I can say that right now I'm enjoying it immensely for a ton of different reasons.

Bottom line is that my XH's MLC and the divorce was the most tragic and yet single best thing that ever happened to me and if I had to do it over, I'd accept this turn of events again and not fight them so hard...