Spinning, neglect, loss and the bomb

[ouroboros]

So, the other night, W had plans to meet with work friends for dinner/drinks while I watched the kids. After her primping and getting fancily dressed, on her way out, I told her completely off the cuff and without even thinking about it to "enjoy your date...you know, with your colleagues". I didn't say it spitefully or with any tone of voice, just 'hey, have a good time'. At first W gets a horrified look on her face until she hears me say 'colleagues'.

W comes home late, and is obviously bent out of shape about something. For the first time in a long while, I initiate conversation and gently ask if she's ok.

W then tells me she had a difficult night. And, that she went by herself to see a metal concert?! I thought this was odd to say the least, but I just let her vent. W tells me that she was to meet work colleagues and they were to all go to the concert together--a going away surprise for one particular co-worker (OP).

W was the only one who bought tickets in advance--two of them. She tells me that she bought them for OP and his male friend so that they could go to the show, and the entire group was going to go the concert.

I found this odd that W bought 2 tickets--one for OP and one for friend--but not one for herself? I said nothing and just let W do the talking.

She goes on to say that she met the group, but the OP didn't meet them there. The bands they were to see were the OP's favorite bands. W tells me the group didn't want to go to the concert anyway, they wanted to go to the bar, but she didn't want to go there. She said she was a bit pissed the group didn't want to see the show, and so told them obstinately that she's going by herself so she doesn't waste the tickets.

She was clearly very bummed out when she arrived home. Why be bummed about getting to go to see a concert?

Maybe I'm a little slow on the uptake, but now it seems very clear--she's having an EA for sure, maybe also PA. I've had my suspicions before, but they've just been wild thoughts/fears. Now it seems clear to me that the OP is her co-worker, or at least was her co-worker until he recently took a new job.

I think she bought tickets for herself and the OP. But then got stood up! I doubt there was even a group, but who knows. I think W still went to the show hoping OP would end up coming late, but didn't come at all.

Then, a next day I'm fixing her computer/phone at W's request. I open the browser, and up loads all the tabs from the last session--searches about quotes for unrequited love. Without being nosy or invading privacy, I'm searching for the word 'package' to find a piece of software on the computer...and lo and behold, as the first hit up comes an email to a work account saying things about wanting to be together as a 'whole package' after the storms pass, etc. I just fixed things and said nothing.

I had my suspicions, but now it makes perfect sense to me. Of course she'd have an EA/PA--I certainly wasn't in any shape to be engaged at all. She wants freedom and feeling, I couldn't provide it, and she found it somewhere else. But, my instincts also tell me maybe--just maybe--it even was all one-sided on the part of W, rather like some flirting becoming waking fantasy. Or, possibly they were banging away at work after hours, who knows.

It would explain so much--why the jump to WAW without any conversations previous to it, the detachment from what was left of our M, the lack of feeling/concern for me (when I was asking for W's help with my depression).

Maybe she WAW'd because OP took at least a friendly interest (or more) with her, she saw a way out. Although she told me directly several times there wasn't anyone else involved, one reason given during the bomb was 'we should do this before one of us cheats on the other'. It would also clearly explain her anger when I was pursing her and sent flowers--to her work. She told me over and over again how it was very awkward and didn't know what to say about them to her co-workers. I remember thinking at the time "well, just tell them they're from your H" and noone would think twice. But if there was OP and an EA at work, and I sent flowers, maybe it screwed up her plans or at least made her have to deal with it directly.

I swear I was jumping off the walls when I figured this out, I was so relieved and happy. Hooray, my W is having a EA/PA! How messed up is that? But, for the first time I felt like I had handles on this problem. If I better understand the situation, I believe I can better influence the outcome.

I'm so happy, frustrated, and angry all at the same time. I've never had this feeling before.