About my weaknesses? My paranoia? Subtle clues my wife leaves that spur on the paranoia? The fact that I wish I was strong enough to leave because I don't want to deal with it any longer? What?
I had a four-day weekend. Most of the time was home improvements and training. My wife and I were hardly alone. Kids are home for vacation and it's tough to get a moment of peace. But that is life of a family and it's good to just appreciate the fact that we are all together.
I'm really trying to work on strengthening my mind. As long as I can remember I've always been sort of a paranoid person. Always. Slam me with some drugs and I become Super Paranoid Man. That's one reason I stay away from them. At one point this weekend I tried to make the decision to not look too deeply into what my wife was doing and whether or not she's leaving a trail of evidence behind her leading me to see her infidelity. Honestly, the evidence is subtle - but sometimes subtly can scream like a Howler Monkey. Other times, she wants to be real close to me. She wants to snuggle up to me and relax. Sometimes she wants to lay her head on my lap while we watch TV for a moment. This draws confusion to me. Does she want me and us, or does she want out?
She says things that makes me feel like our marriage should always remain open to whatever happens. Stuff like, "Whatever happens to us, I'll always love you."
"Whatever happens to us?" Whatever do you mean? I'm at a point where I desperately need some verification - or just tell me that's it's over. I'm sick of the games. One hand on us. One hand on something else.
My wife likes to run from her problems. She's not one to stay and fight. She blames herself for failures, yet she does nothing to change or break the habits. In her mind, she's failed at nursing because she lost her job due to drug abuse. But she didn't work hard enough to make it right when she had the opportunities. She failed at another job opportunity because she didn't work hard enough to keep the door open. She was too worried about rejection when she had to make phone calls day after day. She failed NA (sort of) because she doesn't want to go often enough to make it work for her or continue her "steps." She's failed our marriage because she doesn't want to let go of the things that keep a wedge between us. She's failed herself.
And here I am trying to sugar coat all of it to help keep her chin up. But as much as these things scream at her in her mind, they scream at me as well. They tell me to run - the exact thing she does when things get tough. The exact thing that I hate about her.
If I had the opportunity. No. If I had something, maybe someone, to get my attention and take it away from her I would probably jump. All I see is a cloud of discontent over me for the rest of my life if I stay with her. So far, nothing I've tried has really worked to get her attention off walking away and/or someone else. It's been almost 3 years and I'm still wading through the same murkiness that I did the first year. Oh, I've changed. I've changed drastically and whatever happens to us I'm staying like this. Whoever grabs my heart is going to find a great man. That's all I can say about all this right now. I see things in me that I would have never guessed I'd be doing several years ago.
Her loss, I guess. But how long to I stick around? What do I need to gain the strength to walk away? I don't have that strength yet because I still love her deeply. And that sux more than anything else.
Today, I really hate myself.
Me:42 W:43 M:03/08/98 SD17, D13 Found out about affair:12/16/10 Found out again: 06/22/12 Split: 06/22/12
