the path is the goal...

[zig]

thanks ces. it helped a lot to read your post before going there


journaling:

feeling just a slight bit low tonight - had s all evening until 9 when h picked him up.
s stayed sort of detached from me for the whole evening, didn't want any physical contact and could barely get a hug out of him

i could sense really strongly that he was doing that because he finds it too painful to leave so late in the evening, and i just felt that he had decided it was better to detach himself rather than come to me, cuddle be close and then have to leave.

i let him be and instead of letting him go off to his room, as he usually does to read i suggested we go in the back yard and he could read on a blanket in the grass while i got one of the vegetable beds ready to plant. couldn't engage him at all but finally managed to talk him into coming and putting the seeds in, which was a sweet moment.

h came in and i didn't realize that he was in a bad mood - or really tired. we had the chanting on pretty loud and he sort of exploded and muted it. i was trying to talk to him about something to do with the taxes..

oh well - i wasn't focusing on him and more on just telling him something and not sensitive to the fact that he'd had a long day. he'd just had a 13 hr day. when he walked in he seemed pretty relaxed and cheerful, so i didn't read him right.

they both left in a bit of a huff it seemed. and i felt a bit sad and lonely after that.

there is sometimes so much pressure to get everything "right" , but maybe now,the only thing i really have the energy to do is just stay calm and not react much and keep being pleasant so as not to aggravate the situation any further