The Space Between...

[25yearsmlc]

SAIS- I know you're going through a painful phase with your W, thanks for checking on me.

25- thanks for giving me things to look into. A few answers to your questions:

Yes, I know about the formula for retirement pay, and I'm guessing that was one of the reasons he changed his mind about staying separated indefinitely. We've been M 7 years, 6 of which have been in the Navy.


ah, bummer! I misread and thought you'd been married for 9 years, and only needed one more year to make the minimum. Is there still a 10 year minimum, or can they use the formula regardess of length of the marriage/service overlap?

Seems to me, if the 10 year mark, as a minimum, does not apply (but the formula otherwise does) then why not give you 1/6 if you are married a third of the time he serves? Geez, You're the one that enabled him to serve and get deployed, and cared for his kids (and had them, etc). You are why he could sleep at night, do the mission he had, and not worry so much that he lost focus...

Assume however, that you'd have to be m for 10 years to get ANY of his retirement...okay then-his rush to divorce makes LESS sense, not more!

You can still make all the same arguments for staying m while he's gone but now they are stronger arguments even FOR HIS INTERESTS...

Meaning, if you aren't going to get any of his pension without being married for at least 10 years, then WHY deny you all the benefits while he's gone anyhow? He gets to have his frickin' "space"?

You are not costing or denying him anything while he's gone that he would not "lose" already by having kids (meaning, certain assignments for truly single 'no dependents' type of macho jobs)...so what gives? Why rush the divorce thru before leaving for Afghan??

To punish you? Hmmm

As the mother of his children - he won't believe that punishing you is a factor at all, consciously...but that means he ought to be able to articulate the reasons.

Is it so he can go to Afghan as a single dude---you know, and go to the wild dance clubs, and crazy bars open all night there, as a "crazy single guy" in fancy cosmopolitan Kabul?


Purg, I'm sincerely asking--

how is divorcing you NOW, rather than a year later, harming his legal or financial interests, if it'll only go from 7 years of m, to 8??

Isn't the mere possibility that you could be really harmed (medically) enough to give him pause?

AND OR

the possibility, however remote in his eyes, that he MIGHT want to re-think ending a marriage/family with children, as he sees that your changes are lasting & REAL...

enough to make him SLOW DOWN?

Lest we forget, a mere year ago, he felt very differently than he says he does now (never mind his claim of constant misery.) The question remains, why won't/can't he feel another way a year from now?

Here in DB land, we know he can change his mind and heart and probably will. Which direction, we're not sure but the one thing that is constant in all this, is CHANGE...

So what's up with not even waiting til he gets back?

What is he so afraid of happening? That he might awaken to your awakening?

THEN WHAT? What bad thing might happen? It might not work out and that means...you're in the same place you'd be anyhow...

OR

you could restore the marriage to something even better than it was before b/c now you have the good memories, the love AND the tools!!

Then what?

You could give your children a real legacy of what

redemption and forgiveness look like &

they could pass that on down to their children, and so on,

b/c like divorce, marital success can run in families...?


What's the other "worst thing" that could happen by his waiting to file?

That he "loses" OW? (Well gee, that's one damn secure "soulmate" relationship if I ever saw one...)

Why would she wait for him IF he files for divorce, but NOT wait if he doesn't?


There IS another possibility- that he's morphed into the type of man who is a "ALL blinders on. Must -accomplish- mission & LATER examine- whether-the- mission- was- the- right- one- AND- that- it- was- done- correctly"...

In my sitch, eventually I just released my h to his task. Going back to school (for an expensive & Uneccessary credential, to add to his pile and cost us a fortune) ALL so he could end up on the tundra, had become a holy grail for him.

The only people he could hear were his mentors (the "heroes" as I refer to them) who bragged about their riches and pursued him a LOT...

My H had his blinders on, Purg. Those blinders made him nearly irrational when we discussed his choices. If it was -45'F there, he'd say it was "brisk", (not "freakishly cold".)

Nothing anyone said about the move to Alaska

or the contract he had been given, or the money or the costs/benefits could be "heard" by him. Least of all words from ME.

He said I was "raining on his parade" and "just being negative" when I mentioned the clauses in his contract that would have prevented me from letting any of my clients sign. I mean that literally.

The contract was that bad. As of today, there are at least 4 different lawsuits involving the hero's company. The only reason we got out of there without more of a hassle was that his mom was dying.

But I learned something valuable. Aside from blinders that MAY mean you ought to stop wasting your breath/time... there is this:


I found after 3 decades of m, the ability to remain silent at times, and the tone/volume I use in speaking, is just as important, if not more so, than the content of what I say.

That's hard for me, b/c as a lawyer I'm a "wordsmith." I use words as tools. So It nearly killed me to grasp this concept - but it has also helped me too.

So why won't your h delay the divorce? Good reasons exist for waiting, including a huge one called the medical issues...so did I miss something?

Is "someone" wanting him to be free? (IS she even free yet?) I mean LEGALLY, is OW's own divorce even final?

God knows she sure acts like it.

sorry, I'm cranky...I

ANYHOW...

The papers that he wants to sign are legal separation documents, which at a years mark, become the divorce decree. If I sign them, this November 2012- we would be D

and how long would the m be in November? When is your wedding anniversary?
BTW-
If you ML after he left, or after the date of whenever he says the sep began, you can sometimes start the clock all over from that date. Not saying you ought to (or not) but it can be a factor. Ask the L...



. And he doesn't come home until August 2013. If I sign when he gets back, we couldn't be D until August 2014. I have a meeting with my L next week to discuss my options.

You mean the paperwork would not BEGIN til 2013 & then it'd be completed in 2014, b/c of a one year waiting period from time of filing?

Would that make it to 10 years of m?

Either way I like that ^^^^ better, obviously.

Do you like the L you have? That's important. You don't want to have regrets or weird feelings in your stomach about how lousy the deal was or what a loser your L was years from now...it's a hard enough situation to face - if you at least like your L, it helps so much. Hating your own counsel makes a nightmare last longer.

If you trust them then make the best of the cards you were dealt and we'll all support you with your plans.

(((( ))))


I received the same 'coffin' of supplies- kind of an ominous visual

I'm sorry he was such a jerk about the graduation you wanted to attend.

He's showing a side to himself you were not aware of
but now that it's clearly present, YOU will see him in a new light.

And he may see himself that way too. But rather than saying he should be a better h, chances are he'll say you "make" him "that way."
A bit convenient. But telling. Just as WAS's revise the marriage so that it was a "living nightmare the WHOLE time"...

sometimes LBSers glorify their spouses as if they are flawless and no one else can compare. Just something to ponder.

(((( ))))