Just Keep Swimming

[finding nemo]

Hi Advina!

Thank you so much for your very thoughtful post. I have read it and re-read it many times.

-I know I am struggling with so much right now. And I do believe you are correct, I have been bean counting and getting upset about how unfair this all is. I will try to not be so critical of H when he spends time with the kids. I am sure that was one of my issues in our marriage, I was critical.

-I have to keep in mind that nothing really has changed except for knowing more of the truth than previously. I hate that he continues to lie to me and to everyone (including himself, to some degree). When I really think about it rationally, that speaks more about him than about me.

-I am hoping to get to a point where every detail doesn't bother me, so that is something I plan to work on w/ IC. Glad our first real family holiday without H is behind us now. Yesterday was really hard. Feeling stronger as today has gone on. (Swollen eyes aren't attractive though.)

-I am still trying to rationalize this situation (Hurt Wife). I can't figure out why H doesn't see that we are married and marriage isn't always easy, you have to work at it. Also still trying to understand why I can't fix this. I have a LONG way to go on this. Clearly will be talking to IC about this, too.

-I am still working on my daily mission. I think if I could get these kids healthier, life would be a bit easier. I really hope that D8's health issues are more mild in nature than I am believing them to be. That would certainly help. Also hoping that the warmer weather will help get these kids to a place of good health for a change! But for now, my daily missions have consisted of calling doctors, specialists, running to different pharmacies, etc. I would like to concentrate on something other than H or kids' poor health. (Gosh, that last one made me feel a bit guilty.)

-Still trying to swim and drag the kids along with me (poor kids). I saw that someone on these boards was writing herself little empowering notes and keeping them in her pocket. I think I may have to try that too!

-I also feel like I've been dealt a pile of crap and it makes me angry (as I'm sure it does everyone). I think that anger is probably paralyzing me at this point and I expect my higher power to fix this. And why hasn't my higher power fixed this yet. And how much longer until my higher power fixes this, etc, etc, etc. Perhaps yesterday's tears will help me realize that this has nothing to do with God and that I need to do what I can for me and my kids. I also think I am paralyzed with trying to understand what happened. H's spew and venom still don't make a lot of sense to me as the real reason for leaving our family. Maybe that's why I'm stuck.

WOW, this has really turned into major notes for my next IC visit!

Thanks so much Adinva, your post really has me thinking and focusing on what needs to be done. Clearly I needed this!

Easter was hard, but I had my parents, brothers, & SIL (along with my kids & niece & nephew) to help me get through the day. So hard - yes, support and comfort from my family - yes!

I'm working on getting caught up on your sitch, but what I've read so far sounds so much like what's happening over here. It seems so odd to me that marriage and the promises made become so unimportant to the WAS's. I really wonder how they got that way.

Thanks so much for your very kind words about how I'm parenting, that is the one thing I am trying to concentrate on. I know that you will come up with something brilliant to say to your boys when you need to, I just wish you didn't have to.

PS - Sorry for the very long post!