The Space Between...

[25yearsmlc]

Purg,

First, ask a JAG this b/c my info may be out of date. A civilian lawyer will probably NOT know this and it's a question a JAG can answer - even if he/she cannot represent you in court without admission to practice in that particular state.

But if I recall correctly,

as soon as you hit 10 years of m, that overlap with years in military service, you will be entitled to a 1/4 of his retirement.

So HE might not want to hit that mark, if you KWIM. Do you know the formula of which I speak? Were all your years of marriage while he was in the military?

Say, he serves 20 years in the Military and then retires - AND say that you were married the whole 20 years. Then you divorce. In that scenario,

You'd get HALF of the pension you BOTH contributed toward the creation of (not from him, but from the Navy). He'd obviously get the other half.

But say you were only married 3/4 of that 20 years of service...

Then you get half of the 15 years that you were married WHILE he was also in the service (i.e., = half of 3/4 of his retirement), which is something like
37.5 %.

And if you were married 10 of his 20 years in, you get half of the half...make sense? Have I totally lost you? The "half of the half" is that you get half of the amount of pension he had accrued at the time of the divorce, which is half of the 20. So TODAY if he has 10 years in he Navy AND 10 years of marriage (and then he goes on to the full 20 as a single man)
then when he retires, the Navy will pay you half of what was accrued when the marriage ended...half of the half...so, 1/4.

(Geez - have a JAG write it out or draw it

if this is as confusing as it's sounding to me (and I UNDERSTAND IT...so much for being a "great teacher")

So that is how I came to say you'd get 1/4 of his retirement if you can get to the 10 year mark. You were married to him for half of the time he was in the service, so you get half of THAT overlapping (marriage + service years) time.

I assumed he'd go active duty for 20 years & retire and I assumed he was in the service the whole time you were married? (Let's hope so, or my #s are way off)

**IF he remains in the service longer that does not hurt you except it delays when his payments begin, but you can't do anything about that AND his pension would also be more, so don't worry about it. NO CONTROL anyhow.

So if you can, put off signing til he returns "in case something happens to him, AND for the full protection of the kids AND for your medical care"

and you can promise to sign it all when he returns

IF he still feels the same.

It may seem like pursuit but we're talking about your legal interests now, so who cares? Plus, it buys you time and he MAY change anyhow.

Besides, what's it to him? He'll be getting all the wonderful "space" from you that he says he needs...with or without a signed paper & w/or without a divorce.

What's the rush to sign before he leaves? Being divorced/divorcing before he leaves-- Won't that traumatize the kids MORE b/c they won't know what to hope for, or expect upon his return?

It won't be a normal homecoming will it? Will he come "home" to another state or family?
Those are things that might cross the older one's mind...maybe.

(Of course the cynic is me says, the rush is that he knows the 10 year rule).

But don't ask about it or concede that you know...not yet anyhow.


ALSO if that discussion you two had, the heated discussion in which painful things were said to you, but in which you mainly remained calm, REMINDED him of the past 7 years of marriage, I guess I'd take that as a compliment

or a lot of revising by him. It'd be hard to let that comment pass by. Of course maybe I misread it. How do you feel you handled it, given the 180s you want to show? I didn't pick up on a big backslide.

I wonder if You can ask him whether he thinks he'll EVER get past feeling victimized by you,

no matter what you do or say or for how long,
or however genuine the changes are? If not, why not?

What does that say about his resentment and anger issues?

Didn't he once say that you seemed angry often, and that you held onto things too long and stayed mad all the time..

hmmm. interesting. I mean, talk about holding a grudge. But be ready--
Be ready for him to say "YOU made me this way. YOU taught me How to be angry & not let things go"....

but hey, at least YOU are learning how.


Maybe neither of you knew how to forgive. I never saw it growing up. Did you? Did he?

And you already see how freeing it is.

You can hope for his sake, that he learns it too.

If he reminds you that there is no hope for the m, no matter how many "so called changes" you make, you can also say, "Fine H. No matter - B/C IT's not about YOU. The changes are about how I like being my best self for me and for my loved ones..."

and let him wonder if he's in that group.

(OR you can bag all my smarmy comments b/c I'm a little cranky today--

or am I just seeing things MORE clearly??)

ANYHOW---

So check w/JAG about that 10 year "rule" b/c if it's true, then you DO need to stick by it (and it'd also explains his concern.)

B/c if it is really JUST about him wanting "space", and "no expectations from you", well you sure can give that to him when he's 3000 miles away.

To me, that seems like a lot of space.

You may want to act as if you are only focussed on making sure he is sure of his choice, which is true,

and your health/the medical insurance aspects...indicating no awareness of the 10 year rule (if it still applies).

ALSO make sure you focus on this aspect re your medical care--& protect yourself that way too...

"what if it turns out that I'm worse or what if I get worse? What if the surgery fails? What if my recovery time takes longer and I can't work then? If I have no insurance then what? (And there's a real chance Obamacare will be reversed so don't let him say all is well on that front)

"What if I deteriorate or blah blah blah?--insert worst case horrible scenario and toss in a few you MAYBE read about somewhere--and let that sink into his ears.

Does he really HAVE to dump you before leaving for a year, when it risks your life? What's up with that?

Also YOU are still entitled to FEEL worried & anxious for him, and sadness at what he'll miss from the boy's lives, which you know hurts him too...(not to mention how hurt you are for other reasons, best left unsaid for now.)

AND Purg, believe me, since my h's deployment is rapidly approaching I WILL be reading up on all this.

BTW SIDENOTE--why does the military send my h's deployment supplies (which he was told he'd get over there anyhow) to our house, in the shape and size of a coffin? I am serious. My kids stared at it and said "what's IN there?"

Also- what is with making my h and his peeps taking so many days off now, away from home, (costing us money too b/c his reserve pay is less than half his regular private practice pay) all to "prepare" for deployment? Just go already, get it over with and come back!

So -back to earth - signing something other than divorce papers, before he goes, serves what purpose? Is it simply an agreement between you two that gets notarized OR is it something that later = the divorce decree?
ASK a lawyer there.

Say, are you going to the EE workshop this month? I have 2 friends who are going, and one lives near you!...(& she's a T!)

Meanwhile, keep on keeping on! H's CAN Change their minds and hearts, just like we can.
So keep your head on straight and stay busy GAL and doing the 180s...


((( )))