The Space Between...

[purgatory]

25- I always value your insight, especially with the tricky legal military aspects. As of now, his L has sent the most updated version of our papers to my L and I have a meeting next week to discuss the details. I am stil adamant about not signing until he gets back- and I can't see how H will react any differently than to blow up on me.... Do maybe I'll just have my L tell his L?

Lots of R talk has taken place off and on over the last few weeks. Some triggered by choices he's made and some brought up by him. There's been positives and negatives said- but I always remained calm and validated (for the most part.) Once or twice I found myself getting very enraged and I had to stop myself from continuing the conversation (of course he'll never give me credit for stopping, he'll only focus/remember that I raised my voice.) I actually learned a lot from him about what he's looking for and what he still holds over me- not easy to listen to, but helpful pieces of the puzzle.

At one point, he actually asked me: "so after everything that has happened, you still dot want the D? Aren't you afraid I would do it again?" I explained that if he turned around tomorrow, that I would say "ok" and focus on *this* day forward; leave the past in the past. We would start slow by dating and getting to know each other again; I have no expectation that we could just jump back into a full R. He listened and only said: "that's not an option for me."

This ^^^^ was Saturday. On Sunday, he brought up some $$ talk which led into a bunch of related topics, and somehow ended up at how I've supported his endeavors (professional and private) over the years. Most recently his gym training for a competition this weekend. I mentioned that it hurt that he hadn't invited me to come watch, since I have been his biggest supporter (keeping the kids on his nights, keeping up with his crazy diets, ect.) He accused me of being selfish and how dare I *expect* to come watch- since "I don't want to there." He said that he never would have taken my help had he known what my "payment" would be; that in order to be considered a selfless act, it has to be done with no expectations.

For some reason, this conversation really hit a nerve with me and I let loose (calmly) about how I feel taken advantage of and unappreciated. I also told him that I didn't want him to come to the hospital fort tests and surgery (it was the onl thing I could think of that was similar to his competition) an left te room crying.

I got an email (an email?!?! He was just downstairs and could have told me in person). To summarize, he basically said that our talk was like reliving the last 7 years of our R and it was rough for him. He needs space to 'heal his wounds' and he's just realizing how deep his wounds go. He also said thanks for all the support, but 'let him finish it on his own.'

So now Purg is going to attempt the LRT. Only communicate if *he* initiates and only about kids. Wish me luck!!

(today, I got a text from him asking if I read the papers and an email wrapping up the $$ talk we attempted to start on Sun. I only responded saying that I ha a meeting with my L to discuss the papers and I responded to the email saying that I understood where he was coming from and he has the right to be concerned about financial stability for his kids.... No response from him.)