I've had one conseling session with a coach...very constructive and worth the money. And I think we are making progress...my W is finally opening up with some truthful information (I hope).
My W confessed to having an affair (really, surprise, surprise...not!...though I was virtually certain she was having an affair knowing for certain made it hurt a lot more). Then she said she wanted an apartment (I also predicted that one), but I convinced her to stay for the sake of our D's (2 yrs and 5 yrs) but only if we opened up the marriage (polyamory was something I thought about when I wanted an affair but didn't about 2 yrs ago...thinking a thought is quite a bit different then actually acting it out...obviously my W doesn't have this problem). We created some ground rules for the open marriage that we both could agree with...though I don't believe she will follow through on them since see 1. she didn't follow through on her vows when we got married and 2. she refused to write the rules down and sign off on them (W didn't want to be "locked into anything"...hmm why agree to any obligation why not do whatever we "feel" like? Obviously a sense of honor, duty, and shame is something my W doesn't have much in abundance) 3. she has been lying for months about the affair why would I believe she would follow through on anything.
Now I know that she is a victim of sibling incest and I'm certain that, that experience has completely warped her sense of normal sexuality and intimacy but...she is in nearly constant state of denial about what happened to her and it is up to her to confront her perceptions of reality. But how will she ever do that since she is the least introspective person I have ever met?
Nothing much more to add here I just hope she doesn't emotionally scar our kids any more then she has (we had our discussion about the affair while my oldest D was in the next room despite my objections and despite that my D was getting visibly upset). I know it is next to impossible for me to think of my W other then a cold hearted, incredibly selfish, s%ut but...I am trying. And believe it or not I did forgive her for having an affair but...the incredible amount of lying...not just yet.