He's not currently seeing the boys (their choice) so we don't need to communicate regarding them. Unless there's an emergency I should be able to keep him out of our lives for awhile. Is that wishful thinking?
When we were driving home from my parents last night my older son and I were having a discussion about my H abandoning us. We both wish he could be legally punished for it, at least sanctioned. What we've experienced, including the continuing trauma is criminal.
GM - this is really not a conversation you should be having with your son.
No matter how mad or hurt you are, it's important not to encourage the kids in "choosing" you over him. The more you can help them cultivate some empathy for their dad, the better it will be for them in the long run.
I know, I know - you're thinking why the heck should he get any empathy? But if you can explain to the kids something about MLC and depression, and how sometimes it makes otherwise good people do very uncharacteristic things, it may help them.
Not that you should keep them from expressing themselves - if they want to rail against their dad, it's ok for them to feel they can express themselves. But it's also your job to let them know things are never quite black and white, and that some people crack under the strains of life.
My ex's parents split when he was a teen, his mom was the WAS and the boys didn't speak to her for years and years (one still doesn't, 30 years on). The truth is, she didn't handle things well but she's not a bad person (and her ex is a VERY difficult man) and the BURDEN of not speaking to her had a much bigger weight on the kids, than just having a polite long-distance relationship. So I would encourage the boys to have some kind of contact with their dad, however distant and polite.
Also, remember that the kids need YOU to be their rock. So you need to keep modeling for them what it looks like to be strong and move forward (even if you're not feeling strong) so they can feel safe in their world. The more you talk to them about your hurt, the less safe they feel (because they worry about you too then). Let them know that mom is strong and can handle anything, and that the three of you are still a family.
(Also - be forewarned, at some point they will probably lash out at you - because it's not safe to do so with their father. You just gotta understand that they only do that with the "safe" parent that they trust won't leave them.)
As for your ex - I think it's still most likely that he has an OW or left so he COULD have OW. But the parallels with his first marriage are uncanny. Have you checked a credit report on the two of you? Is it possible that he is hiding something else - like massive credit card debt, or an addiction of some sort?
Also - I recommend going to Dave Ramsey's website and listening to the archives of the radio show - it will motivate you as far as managing your money goes, and listening to it might help your kids see a path to financial security. www.daveramsey.com (I don't happen to agree with his politics, but the financial approach is dead-on).
