Ouch! I suppose I had that coming. I didnt write my apology to impress anyone. I truely didnt mean to offend. I am actually a very sensitive man. I dont like to hurt people. I am very proud of my wifes success. She started as a nurses aid and worked her way up. This year she will have been there 30 years. I think the point I was making was this. My father and mothers marriage had its moments just like ours. Dad has said many times that if mom could have made her own way, she probably would have left him. Todays woman is independent, and can make a life without a man. My wife is such a woman. I am not threatened by her independence. I learning to be more like her. But I truly believe a sfrong marriage enhances our lives. I didnt realize how important she is to me until I was faced with her leaving. I know you are making me take a good look at myself. Isnt that what DBing is all about. Isnt that why we are here?
Don't worry over offending anyone here, b/c you have enough to deal with right now. I think the point was to show you bits & pieces that come through your writing that you may not realize. If it happens in your posts, then it may show through in your conversation/actions to your W.
How did you make it this weekend? Give us an update.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Well EASTER turned out pretty good, better than I expected. I woke up about 3, read alittle, dozed off a few times,finally got up at about 6. I had more cleaning to do and also some laundry. It helps alot to stay busy with something. I am proud of myself
Opps pushed the wrong button. Im proud of myself in the way Im keeping up the house.I am definitely growing in that area.
I was still feeling very down because W would be missing. I should of went to church. I just couldnt. Going in to town is still a hurdle for me. Even though I knew W was out of town at her moms. I worry about running in to the possible OM too. All things I need to get over.
My folks got here first so i visited with them for awhile. They still dont support the idea that I shouldnt be moving on with my life. But that is my decision to make. When the kids started comimg I felt a little sad for some reason. I didnt want them to see me that way.
On Thursday I had visited my same sex friend who has beem a big help in this. I look to her for advice often. I had went pretty dark on my W and had quit all contact. I was believing that that is what she wanted. Anyway my friend suggested that I send W simple text wishing her a happy easter. I didnt really want to do it cuz I knew it would hurt if she didnt reply. But I did it and waited. No reply. Already emotional, that just put me alittle over the edge. I got in the shower and just bawled. The pain was huge. But I felt better afterwards,as I usually do. I finished getting ready. I noticed that I had a message. My W wished me the same and to enjoy the day with the kids. I dont know if she deliberately waited or what, it doesnt make any difference really. She replied and it made me feel good. The rest of the day went well.
I awoke this morning with the same.thoughts I usually do. Why is she treating me so cool? How are we going to get anywhere if we dont communicate? How long will it be before there is movement one way or the other? I did feel today that maybe some of the tension is less. Yesterday was a small positive.
I have been told I have the tact of a hand grenade. So put this post in the context of one person’s opinion. I can only draw upon my experiences your mileage will vary.
I am empathetic to the feelings you posted about going to church, to town and running into the possible other man. I suggest this is precisely what you need to do, even if you not quite 100% ready to.
Push yourself. I am not suggesting making a herculean effort. I am suggesting going as soon as you believe there is a reasonable chance you can demonstrate a calm confident demeanor doing so.
Happy will come eventually, in the mean time this is how you communicate when you are not communicating directly. Show yourself, though you’ve been struck low you are picking yourself up, dusting yourself off, and standing strong. You are the man only a fool would leave. Lead by example.
It is normal for people close to us to want us to move on. Often they have empathy for us and our pain is shared by them.
I took W’s temp a couple of times, before going completely dark. Each time I did she ran further and pushed back with anger. This wasn’t your experience, but be careful placing import upon it.
I had huge pain also, I cried and spent a lot of emotional energy all perfectly normal nothing to be ashamed of. The shower is a fine place, you are not the first, nor do I suspect will you be the last.
Some of that pain may have come from expecting her to respond immediately. Realistically she may not have had her phone near her, she may have been driving, she may have contemplated her response if any, she may have, she may have,…. Speculation will make it harder for you to do the work you need to do. Avoid getting wrapped around that axle.
She is treating you so cool because she is. You do not have control over how she treats you. You do control how you act. I suggest acting, not reacting, have a plan, for curve balls will be thrown and you have to decide if you are lying off them before they get close. Sorry baseball season just started.
It will take as long as it takes. There is no timeline or example to point to that I have found. As you can only control yourself and your actions how are you spending your time? What are you doing? I grew up in a farming family. I am familiar with dairy, and produce. I know how busy this time of year is and how much my mind was free to wander during field preparation.
BITS Me 55, ACK, when did that happen? Doesn't feel like 55 D 30 S 27
You create your own universe as you go along - Winston Churchill
25 posted this over on needgrace’s thread. I thought you might be able to benefit from it.
Originally Posted By: 25yearsmlc
here is a short piece on Detachment. There are other pieces on this site. It is not specific,
but if you GAL and bear these principles in mind it may help..
here it is.
"This was originally posted by Peanut. ============ II. Detachment Detachment is critical to the process of altering and repairing a relationship.
Attached, we take personally all that is said, not said, done and not done. Our ego gets wounded and we say or do things that undermine our goals.
We can NOT control the actions of another. We are, however, responsible for our own actions. We are responsible for our own happiness.
If we are detached from the actions of another, we can meet anger or indifference with love.
Met with love, we are in a position to diffuse the situation and transform it in a way that will be in alignment with our goals.
On the flipside, detachment allows us to play it cool when we do get a positive reaction from our spouse. It is a way to break the distance/pursuer cycle.
Detachment is not withdrawal.
It is not the mind saying, "I am not getting what I want so I must pull back." It is the natural acceptance of the reality that "I am alone responsible for how I act.
I cannot control another person, but I can control how I respond to them."
good luck! _________________________ m:49 H:53 M: 30 yrs S24,D22,D13 H goes ALASKAN 05 I file S 2/06 Piecing 7/07 Marriage Restored 8/08
Be Happy or be "Right"
FORGIVENESS=Your way out of hell
Dealt some lousy cards? Play them WELL!
BITS Me 55, ACK, when did that happen? Doesn't feel like 55 D 30 S 27
You create your own universe as you go along - Winston Churchill
Thanks JS, Youre so right about time in the tractor. I was in one all day and all you do is think and in my case overthink. Today I was angry. I wanted to go talk to Possible OM.He was a good friend once. We talked about each others marriage problems at the lake. I trusted him. He probably used what I told him against me. He took advantage of this with my wife. I wanted to ask him what right did he have to contact my wife. She is married and so was he at the time. If wife and I reconcile this issue between those two is going to have to be addressed.
I also wanted to talk to my wife. Why is she so cruel. Is she doing it to torture me. I know I hurt her but Im sorry. I have been very remorseful. I have made possitive changes in my life. I will never treat her that way again. Why will she show no mercy. I just want to be safe and secure with her again. I want to go back to the days when I had no doubts, fears, or suspicions. Will I ever have that peace again.
"Over-thinking ruins you. Ruins the situation, twist things around, makes you worry and just makes everything much worse than it actually is."
I got to get out of that tractor and take a walk now and than.
Just go sniff some anhydrous... that'll clear your head and make you think of nothing for a long time...
Farmer, the first OM that I know about... his M failed a few years ago. He was a basket case. Two kids and his ex appears to have been MLC. Although that is only based on his side of the sad story.
This guy and I were good friends. My W appeared to have become smitten with him some two years before hand. Always trying to take care of him... I think she has a bit of a saviour mentality...
Anyhow, I can not be absolutely sure there was anything other than an EA. Not that I like that idea better, but somehow it feels a little more benign. That she had been trying to save him, became attracted to him, so when she started having her second thoughts about the M, she sought him and he "was emotionally there for her"... Innocent enough... At least that's the story my mind has currently decided to believe...
Your W most likely reached out to him... perhaps because the two of you ARE (now were) friends... confiding in him because he otherwise knew you best and was "safe"...
So all I'm saying is that, while it would still take a lot of time and effort to be comfortable speaking with or having beer with OM1... the feelings of anger towards them doesn't have to last...
Call him stupid... but it is probably likely that IF there is anything there... it did not start intentionally... he wasn't looking to screw both you and your W at the same time...
I knew former friend was having marital problems. We talked about it alot. I think he wanted a womans view, which is understandable. I find it easier to talk to woman but such things myself. They have much more insight on things because they can identify with W. But Im not trying to put the.moves on them either. We all have an agreement that if things get weird or inappropriate we will say so. I can see without boundries tempations can happen. And like Ive said before, its not that I cared that they were talking or even what they were talking about, its that they tried to hid it. Thats what hurts the worst. In 2007, the last summer we all.shared together, I happened to find them together in the garage. In very close proximity of each other. I dont know who was more surprised. I was upset because for a year I had worried about the possibility of OM. Afterward W said he wanted to talk about his W but away from the cabin so his children wouldnt hear. He had started to cry so she embraced him. I can understand this as I am a hugger. But I dont remember seeing any tears. W said she was sorry and wouldnt talk to him about personal things anymore. I believed her but have never forgotten how it felt to find them together. My relationship with him was never the same and our contact stopped almost completely. They found new friends. Then of course 3 years later is when the 4 months of daily texting occurred. A year after that he divorced his wife even though she still loved.him and didnt.want it. And Im supposed.to believe that they werent talking about the things she promised that she wouldnt . Whats wrong with.that picture? Am I over thinking that?
There's a couple things that can be said in regards to whether it's an A or not:
If you do not know if you are having an A, just ask your spouse.
and...
When there is something to hide about a R, then it is most likely an A.
It is the hiding that really makes it real for the betrayed spouse.
If they talk openly about their R with the OP... then no big deal. Of course, if there is a lot of "consol" going on between a spouse and an OP that excludes the BS, then that's similar...
"Hey, OP is having a melt down. Want to come with me to visit with OP or do you want to invite OP down for supper?"
Anyhow, it's not to convince you that there was something more going on or not. How you feel about the OP is how you feel. In a "perfect" world, you would let your W know that her R with OP was feeling uncomfortable with you, she would empathize with you, and she would either include you or reduce or remove her R with OP...
While she told you she had... something started them chatting again and she did not let you know... as though having "forgotten" that R made you uncomfortable.
So...
No matter what did or had happened... the reasons... the circumstance...
This is where the work begins...
What are you now... aside from burying yourself in work... going to do?
Having read DR... do you feel you need to use LRT right now?
What 180s do you think you might do?
Aside from work, what kind of GAL... and don't use "I can't because I have work" excuse... what do you plan to do in the GAL department?
