It's another sleepless night. I can't believe it's been over four months since I've had a good nights sleep. Finding a remedy is my number one priority this week. Since I've just started a new job I can't take time off for a doctor's appointment (I should have dealt with this before), so I'm going to have to try an over-the-counter sleep aid. I avoid caffeine and alcohol so that's not the problem. I also drink herbal tea in the evening and go to bed around the same time, but I'm still waking up several times a night. Any advice?
When I'm awake during the night I start ruminating. I need to work on stopping this. Another priority this week. Anyway, tonight I realized that one thing that's really bugging me is that when I have texting or verbal contact with my H and I say something that he disagrees with he attacks me by calling me crazy and dillusional. I absolutely hate that! Nothing I ever say is valid unless he agrees. He also accuses me of lying, especially when it comes to the boys and how they feel. This is why NC is important for me. If I don't hear from him then that's one less conversation to ruminate about. I've always been a little slow on the trigger when it comes to defending myself and setting boundaries. This is an area of growth that I've been focusing on and will serve me well once I've mastered it.
Yesterday was difficult. Another holiday spent as a broken family. After a terrible Christmas my boys had low expectations for the day and both were really surprised when they woke up and found Easter baskets. I've always enjoyed putting those together and I know they look forward to them, but they had written them off this year. I could tell how much it meant to them that I did that (even though I insist that they're from the Easter bunny - they enjoy the little boy fantasy even though of course they know the truth). Their gratitude and excitement reminded me how much they really need to be normal kids with as little emphasis as possible on our family situation. I certainly don't want to ignore it, but our day-to-day focus needs to be on living a normal, fulfilling life. After all, they only have one childhood and they've been cheated enough. I recently read The Five Love Languages and want to apply what I learned to my kids so that their "love tanks" stay full.
I'll be so glad when I meet with my attorney again this week. I need to give her the divorce papers and have a long discussion about kids, house and finances. It will feel so good to turn this over to her so that I'm not so worried about it all. I don't want to have anymore communication with my H about any of this unless absolutely necessary. In fact, I'm standing my ground when it comes to NC. There's really nothing for us to discuss. He's not currently seeing the boys (their choice) so we don't need to communicate regarding them. Unless there's an emergency I should be able to keep him out of our lives for awhile. Is that wishful thinking?
When we were driving home from my parents last night my older son and I were having a discussion about my H abandoning us. We both wish he could be legally punished for it, at least sanctioned. What we've experienced, including the continuing trauma is criminal. When someone is legally bound to another person, especially children, they should not be allowed to walk away without legal repercussions. In our minds, having to pay support is not enough. My H's acts were ethically, morally and legally wrong. I wish he had to pay damages just like anyone else who causes harm to another person.
Clearly, I have a lot on my mind tonight. Thanks for letting me vent!
