Talista wrote such excellent advice on my thread, I just HAD TO share it and hope more people will share. This may be a good resource thread for all of us!! Thanks Talista and everyone!!
Quote: Well, Nik...you asked for some suggestions on this after-they-move-back home period.
I would definately focus on the DR list of do-s and don't-s that was posted here. My H wasn't as focused on career goals as yours is, but the idea of being held back, not wanting to be accountable, feeling the need for freedom...that all sounds very familiar. I think it is a huge issue that a lot of men struggle with, especially at mid-life. Don't forget though, the warmth of home and family is a huge pull too. Sometimes they don't really see how much they want and need that until they've lost (or nearly lost) that.
Definately take some honeymoon time when he comes home. It is an adjustment time, and both of you will need to get comfortable after a time of feeling raw. Be very loving--as much as he shows a comfort level for. Validate and affirm him where-ever possible. You CAN do this and also have boundaries!
Don't worry about FF. From all indications, she is not someone he's having an A with.
Here's some subtle things I did to keep things growing while in that stage. You can draw HIM into wanting to have R talks. He said he was thinking about what you said about wanting to have a great M. Ask him what that means to him? Listen and validate without judgment--just try to draw him out. Let him think about it a couple of days, then ask if he's thought any more about it.
When it comes to trust, there are ways to do that too. Use something I like to call "guided empathy". Ask him, if he were you, what concerns he would have about trust. Listen carefully if you can get him to do this...it will give you lots of information about what is REAL for you to worry about and what is NOT. Ask him what, if he were you, would make him feel more comfortable and trusting. Let HIM come up with the ideas. If he misses a point of two that is critical to you....
tell him that you have some fears, and some of them may be quite irrational, but it would be helpful if he would consider doing A, B, or C.
Make A, B, and C very specific concrete actions that are not too heavy handed or restrictive.
Do as much as you can to gently get him to open up and show him that you can be trusted with his vulnerable feelings. As you do that, you can slip a few of your own thoughts, needs, feelings in there for him to think about.
It's a slow and subtle process, but it gets the communication started in a non-threatening way. It also starts the juices flowing in the direction of feeling like you are on the same side and problem-solving R issues together.
That's my 2-cents. Good luck!
From DR via Holdingon:
Quote: Here are some guidelines that I copied from DR. MANDATORY DO'S WHEN DBing 1. Be patient. Time is an asset even when it seems to be killing you. 2. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. 3. Learn quickly that anger is your enemy. 4. Learn quickly to back off, shut up. and walk away when you want to speak out. 5. Take care of yourself. Exercise, sleep, laugh and focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil. 6. Be cool, strong, confident, and speak softly. 7. Know that if you can do a 180, your smallest consistent actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write. 8. Read as much as you can on this subject.
MANDATORY DON'TS 1. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever in your whole life and are desperate and needy. 2. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse. 3. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than half of what ou see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because he is hurting and scared. 4. Do not give up no matter how dark it is of how bad you feel. 5. Do not backslide from your hard-earned changes.
