I didn't see it coming part 2

[breakdownbill]

Hey YC

Thanks for your nice comments. Yeah things are going good at the moment, but I'm not taking anything for granted, just simply taking one day at a time. I try and make sure at least 1 positive thing in our interaction happens everyday. This is sometimes hard without pursuing, but because I was distant in our R, my 180's do involve a measure of pursuit (but not like the earlier stages of my sitch when I was behaving like a desperado!! - you know needing to feel loads of affection, wanting to spend every waking minute with my W). My W was right to push me away ( WTF was I thinking?)

180's

1. I never used to be supportive with my W getting up in the morning for work, now every morning I bring up some breakfast & a cup of tea & iron her clothes whilst I get the kids ready for school.

2. I make sure I ask about my wife's day & show that I have been listening, by asking how her friends have been, reference stuff to other past coversations about her work. You know, just listening & when talking making sure I'm engaging with what we are talking about, having a joke about stuff.

3. Looking after myself more, eating better, running, lost about 20lbs since the bomb, dressing better (smart casual - most of the time), wearing nice aftershave, shaving every other day, going somewhere different to get my hair done.

4. Working on my confidence and assertiveness. I answer questions with conviction, now, not rudely - but I feel like I can make a decision without giving a s*@t. That sounds awful, but it works.
For example, a conversation in the past between me and my W. W: What shall we have for dinner? Me: I'm not bothered, I'll eat anything, I'm starving. W: Yeah I know, but what do you want? Me: Whatever you feel like I'll eat it etc..

Now: Same question W: What shall we have for dinner? Me: I fancy a nice Chilli, I'll make it if you like?
W: Ooh yeah, I love your chilli Me: Yeah, you do!!

5. Paying compliments, I must compliment my W on her hair & make up & figure every day now. But I don't waste these compliments, I make sure there is a bit of flirting on my part going on. Then when it comes to going to bed, I can go back to the earlier flirting / compliments. This has led to lots of ML, so physically I think things are much better now.

6. Communicating better with my W and kids & other family & friends. This is really good for me & I feel like I'm standing up for myself when in the past I would have been much more passive & just let people say / do what they wanted, instead of engaging in the conversation and putting forward what I wanted.

7. Forgetting my sitch, sounds weird but seriously how much effort do we put into worrying about what might happen & if only I had done this or not said that. I just tell myself that I've started a new R with my W. It has helped me loads in terms of dealing with anxiety about OM and what my WAW is thinking. I don't snoop anymore, I act like I trust my W 100%, because I do, I trust her to do whatever she wants to do. If she wants to leave our M, have a separation, have an affair - then that is her choice. Worrying about that is not only not going to change these scenarios from possibly happening, it will probably make them a realisation. I have a strict NO PRESSURE policy on our fragile R, and see this stage as laying solid foundations for possibly a better M, but definitely a better R and friendship.

8. Taking things slow (emotionally). What I mean by that is not trying to force anything, you know anything that would feel like a date (that would be pressure at the moment). It is better at this present time to only do things together outside of the home as a family. This takes away all the pressure, but leaves the window open for progress in small doses. Talking, having fun, this Friday we held hands on the beach whilst we watched the kids play, which was a big, big improvement.

9. Absolutely no talk about our M or the OM. (she said it was over with the OM & come to think of it with me as well ;-) so I can't see any benefit for me in thinking or talking about it).

10. Projecting an image of happiness & contentment, I am a lot happier, but the whole making other people around you feel at ease by being fun to be with is so simple and it works. It works because if you are happy it rubs off on your S and you have this cycle of good feeling going on.


Well these are my 180's and I'm happy with these and myself right now, I've got a long way to go on my journey. I'm still going to individual counselling and growing as a person. I just want to be happy & be a good Dad, IF I win my W's heart back as well, then that will be the icing on the cake. However, as we all know on here IF is the biggest 2 letter word going and it's better to have low or no expectations, than deluded high hopes of a Hollywood ending.

Bill