We started marriage counseling & now he wants out

[25yearsmlc]

Hi 25,

You make it so clear and sound so easy. I wish I could radiate at least that exterior right now.

Oh dear, don't ever believe I found it easy to do, at all. I said it was "SIMPLE", as in "not complicated." But it was very hard to do b/c I felt a grave injustice had been done to me AND to our children.

(I still do think that but not in an angry way, just like a sad car accient way.) But there are two thoughts I held onto that might help you, to keep calm. We all must find the "something" or mantra or exercise, that works for us, and use it.

First, showing my anger to my H never once helped me or our marital cause, once the crisis hit. It backfired.

So in short, it HURT ME MORE to show my anger in front of him...so I stopped doing it for the most part.

Second, though I believe he deeply wounded our children, esp our oldest d, I ALSO believe we have given them a gift.

I did not grow up seeing redemption or forgiveness. My children now have.

That's a legacy I'm happy with and it probably would not have occurred, but for this ordeal called MLC or WAH, etc.

I know that as a wife, I can't get angry at my H, I don't know why.

not clear about this^^ sentence. Wives can get mad. What don't you know?

To be clear, yes you CAN get angry - I'm saying not to show it to HIM...not now anyway.

And yes, my h did "get it" eventually. He realized how harmed his r with our oldest daughter was, how deeply he hurt her, when we went to Retrovaille. CORRECTION, he showed me with tears at Retrovaille, that he got it. But Maybe it happened sooner/earlier...?


However, I am deeply hurt by my H's actions. But, as a mommy, I am livid at my children's father for acting like a spoiled child and not doing anything to soothe his children's fear or try to co-parent.

How do you handle that part as you're trying to protect your kids and keep their suffering to a minimum?

(Sorry for the hijack.)

protecting your kids from the trauma of seeing their parents wounding each other is a good thing. So you are doing THEM a favor by not losing it in front of your h, or them.

When my kids asked me "what's going to happen?" (b/c at their age they have the right to make this largely about what happens to THEM),

I reassured them by referring to several friends and activities in their lives, that would NOT change. Stress what will remain the same for them, no matter what happens. Best advice I can give you, is that.

For instance If you don't have to move, "you will still have your room, your friends, Pete can still play every Tuesday and you'll have the same school too," ETC

If they ask you IF you are divorcing and paperwork has not been filed and you hold out some hope, even a small amount, then don't say you are sure you are getting a divorce. My DB coach said "don't tell them unless you are 100% certain it's happening and even then, don't tell them too far in advance. It drags it out for them. SOME notice is fine, but depends on r's you have and their maturity level.

So if he files-hey Even if he gets the ball rolling, you don't have to push it.
You can say things like "I sure hope not, b/c I've loved your dad for a long time"

and then I'd reassure them of something about THEM. At one point I told my youngest, "I promise you this. I will do what I really truly believe will make YOU happiest"...and I meant it. And it helped her feel safer.

Finally, I separately asked my d's (son was at college) what their worst fear or biggest concern was -in the event of a divorce.

My then 16 y/o d said "moving". My youngest said "probably moving & not seeing dad much". I thought we could hold onto the house for 2 years , til d16 graduated from high school ,so THAT is what I stressed. "No moving for you so enjoy your friends and your prom and High school, etc" and she felt better.

She did not feel better about her father but she felt better about HER future, and she worried less for her sister and me.

IF asked whether I "wanted" a divorce, I'd say "No b/c your dad is the love of my life, but if it comes down to it, I know I'll recover b/c I have you guys and my friends and my career so we won't be on the streets."

I was luckier than many.

And don't start to feel worse if you find this hard. I thought at times it was "Mother Teresa" hard. Same goes for "Applauding loudly for the 1% of positives he does" which was also DB coach'es advice.

IT is hard in part b/c you don't believe your h "deserves" forgiveness

or deserves you being anything less than murderously enraged around him.

I get that. In a way he may deserve that.

But so what?

it doesn't help YOU! You are who we care about, Not him...

and your kids someday, sadly, will come to you after their first love breaks up w/them. Model for them NOT falling apart or becoming a shrew...and if you only have sons same things applies in the male version.

I put various playlists on my Ipod (sad, work out=mad, romantic music with some unidentified OM-but who looked like a movie star, if I had the guts or things looked better, I'd put the playlist on for romance with h...and I got exercise. REAL EXERCISE which helped me feel so much better and look better I might add.

I called them walks, but they were more like "Fury Marches". I ALSO put Marianne williamson and Wayne Dyer and "the Power of Now" on my Ipod, so I could think and pray too. Willamson has good stuff on forgiveness even if she is too new agey for some.

Hope this helps.