Needing some guidance...

[jks]

H came and picked up the kids today. We were all waiting outside because the kids couldn't wait to see him. I had mixed emotions seeing him. I want to be mad at him but I don't. He acted very normal when he saw me and was very involved in what the kids wanted to tell him. I got their bags and their carseats and said good-bye to them. This time it was a little harder because of the fun week I had just had with them. My heart was feeling heavy. Bonding with them more definitely makes it that much more heart-wrenching to let them go. He said, thank you and left.

I immediately came inside and said, I hate him. And started crying and venting all of my frustrations. My mom and her H were trying to talk me into ending things with him now because they see how hurt I am and how much its destroying me mentally and physically. I had to stop talking with them and called my BF. She helped me settle down and realize what it is that I need to do. Although, at one point she was telling me that maybe my next step here is just to make the decision to end it because my H obviously doesn't have the will power to do it.

Ending it doesn't feel right to me when I'm in a normal state of mind. Of course, when I'm emotional and want to lash out at him, it seems like the only answer. I have to continually read my thread here and look back at the advice that I've been given. No one else understands what it is that I'm trying to accomplish and its so exhausting trying to get everyone to see my point of view. The problem is, I just need to vent sometimes. I just need to cry and say awful things so that I can get them off my chest and not have to say these things to him.

What a glorious day when I can fully detach from him. I long for the power of the release and at the same time I grieve that the loving feelings I've had for him for so long will be gone.

I read on a thread about a website called meetup.com and I've looked into this more. Basically people set up activities and post them to this website and you can RSVP and just show up. It's supposed to be a great way to meet new people with no expectations and to just get out and do something. So I recently joined a mailing list for a hiking group that I found on this site. I will be joining them for the first time tomorrow night at 5:30. This will be my first time trying something like this and I'm not gonna lie, this is way out of my comfort zone. Normally I would want to take a friend with me but I'm doing this all on my own. I'm putting myself out there and I'm just going to do it, dang it.