Not sure where to start

[Accuray]

Both books say to break the cycle, the pursuer must stop pursuing, and not just sometimes but completely. They said that if you can successfully stop pursuing long term, either H will pursue you, or he won't. If he does, you're on the road to reconciliation. If he doesn't, then he's done and there's nothing you could have done anyway.

What's a bit confusing is that if you stop pursuing, H WILL pursue to get you to pursue again. It's a little tricky to see how that's different than the "goal" level of pursuit from H.

In my experience, the key is that when the distancer starts to rope you back in, you don't bite -- you do NOT pursue, no matter how tempted you are or how appealing they make it. The challenge for me is that this distancing behavior feels very "wrong", like I'm not being a good spouse. That takes a lot of getting used to.

Accuray