New Day Rising

[greatwhitenorth]

Thanks, Snodderly. You're right...I'll be just fine!

H just left. He was here for just over an hour. We had a really nice, relaxed visit. Laughed a bit. Had coffee on the back deck. It's beautiful out here now, and it was quite obvious that he misses it.

I answered his questions (he asked quite a lot for him) but didn't offer up anything else except to say (at an appropriate time) that this whole thing has changed me to the core. He didn't understand what I meant, so I explained that I'm changed permanently, that I let things go now, that I don't get stressed over things I can't control.

He had his arms tight across his chest for a lot of the visit, until I pointed it out to him. He took it lightly, chuckled a little, and unfolded them, understanding what his body language was saying.

He says he's OK, apart from bronchitis and mourning his uncle, but I don't buy it for a second. He looked to me like he was about to cry at times. I wonder if he's finally seeing how much he threw away, that I'm not the terrible person he convinced himself I am.

We looked at the boat, and the damage appears to be mouse-related and superficial. He looked longingly (or so it seemed) at me like he missed "us" when we were doing this. At one point when he passed behind me he put both hands on my waist. After we finished up and were walking into the house he stopped, turned around and said "can I have a hug from you please". He got one.

Then he gathered up his hunting gear and talked about when he can come and get the rest of his things to "get them out of your hair". I bit my tongue on that one and just said OK, but we couldn't come up with a weekend that works. He's going to email this week.

When he left he said thank you for the visit, that he hopes it won't mess me up, and that he's glad I'm looking so good. I wanted to tell him that this visit makes it clear our marriage is worth saving, that he can change his mind, that people can forgive him, but am leaving it up to him to get there on his own. He asked for another hug and got it. Both times were long embraces.

Anyway...I'm still doing great! This visit didn't rock my foundation. I'm seeing some family and friends today for Easter dinner but won't mention it to them. Or to anyone but the good folks on this board. One of the friends I'm seein today is/was his fishing buddy. H asked about him for the first time since the split, but I won't tell the friend. I wanted to suggest that H contact him, but decided to not tell him what to do.

So there it is. I'll file this one under "it is what it is". I really, really want him to come to his senses before the boat sells because once it's gone, I'm reallydone. Not the pretend done that I've been in the past .

The reason for this is that I'm co-signer on the loan and it will cost us $10k to sell (owing more than we can sell for). He knows I've been paying off my student loans to the tune of $550 a month for the past 12 years and have 2 more to go so to slam me with more debt will be complete disregard that I can't abide.

Anyway, it was a great visit that I hope drills deep into his mind. And now I fade to dark gray this time, but will open the door should he knock.