Just Keep Swimming

[adinva]

Hi - you asked if there's a point where this gets easier. For me, yes. You can't rush it, you just have to really open yourself to your new reality and live in the moment. For me it got easier when I realized what I could DO, because I needed to DO something, and what I could NOT do. I could:
- accept that my situation was what it was, the truth was out, and it had been what it was before, when I was kidding myself that my miserable marriage was tolerable, when I was denying the fact that we weren't happy together. Nothing about my sitch changed the day the bomb dropped, really, except that I knew what I was dealing with now. I knew the truth and wasn't in the dark anymore.
- accept the big picture of my sitch and stop agonizing over each detail of it. My H does not want to be married to me anymore, that's the big picture. Within that I could get upset about whether there's an OW, where his ring is, why he acted like a jerk on a particular day, ad infinitum. Or I could accept that those are all part of the bigger problem that H doesn't want to be married to me.
- realized I can't make him do or feel anything. I can't rationalize this, I can't argue it, I can't manipulate it or make it end quicker (unless I want a D quicker). He feels what he feels, and has a right to feel it as crazy as that seems to you. Let go of your outrage over what he does and feels and do your very best to make the best out of what you're handed each day.
- most important, I felt better when I had a mission. I took this crappy opportunity to look within with a very critical eye and find out how I contributed to this, and why, and how I could become better from it. I learned about passive aggressiveness, I learned I bury my needs so deep that I don't even know I have them, I learned why I purposely seemed to instigate arguments with him, lots of things I don't think are attractive and good qualities, and I'm working on them with an IC and really feeling good about that. My motivation to improve myself ebbs and flows but when I'm working on that I feel my most powerful and optimistic.
- I felt better when I saw my sitch in perspective with so many others here. I knew better what to expect and how to handle it. The freight train is on...it sux but there it is. Or, like you told your kids, the tidal wave is here and you're choosing to swim.

BTW I think that was a really great way to explain it to your kids. My H and I have been hiding the sitch from our kids and I expect we will continue to until the year-long separation requirement in our state is over. When H decides his next step, if it's to move out we'll have to explain it to the kids.

You sound like you're very grounded and are doing right by your kids. It will probably help if you stop bean counting your H's actions because that is keeping you feeling bad. Accept that you don't know everything and keep your focus solidly on yourself, doing the best with what you're handed. It's not fair. What I tell myself is that for whatever reason, I got a plateful of crap but I'm strong enough to deal with it and my H currently isn't. So I'm dealing with it and not worrying about whether it's fair.

If you celebrate Easter, Happy Easter! I hope the day gives you some comfort.