A week ago I started having some intense nightmares about the following scenarios:
1. The day H dropped the bomb 2. H starts acting like he did when he was going through his mlc 3. H starts seeing a woman at work, then I find out
I wake up with chest pains, sweating, heart racing and feeling sick. I never realized how terrified I still am inside of this happening again. I've just been pushing the fear down and trying to go forward. I think I need to deal with these fears.
I talked to H about it and he felt horrible about this, and has tried to be reassuring that he truly wants our M and that last summer he "was mistaken and wrong" about wanting to leave me.
No matter how reassuring he is, the fear and anxiety takes over in my sleep.
Went to my counselor a few times and she feels I have PTSD. I'm on celexa and ativan and it's not doing a thing for me.
I woke up this morning after one of these nightmares. It was so intense, I woke up and cried my eyes out. The rest of the day I just did not want to be around H. All I could feel is fear inside.
Why is this happening now, when H and I have gotten so close again and things are going good?
H has been in a good place, feels confident about our M .... but here I am feeling so much fear all over again.
It's amazing how the fear will sneak up and bite you in the a$$ when you least expect it. I also will have panic attacks/nightmares/crying spells seemingly out of nowhere.
Yoga really helps me. How long have you been on the drugs? They take a while to kick in (well, the Ativan shouldn't, that should be instantaneous, but the Celexa takes a while). I also like reading things on Buddhism. But it's amazing how some focused breathing (like in yoga) can help with the anxiety.
Also try to find a self soothing activity. I know it sounds odd, but I really like to color (yes, like in a coloring book, like a 4 year old). It's deeply relaxing to me. Find something that make you feel like that (knitting? couponing? pinterest? gardening?).
I still am having a hard time with the anxiety and the anger, and it seems to rear its ugly head when I least expect it, but those are some tools that help me.
Those are called "triggers" and they are perfectly natural. They lessen over time as the trust between you rebuilds and you can lower the wall you've built up to protect you.
Just take things one step at a time.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
CTflor, it may be a form of panic attack. I read about them, and found out that not only does it happen while awake, but night terrors are also part of it.
I get panic attacks, actually last weekend I was triggered by something H said that made me so angry. When that happens, I also get nightmares and sometimes wake up crying or screaming.
Me:49 H:45 D:12 M:14 T:18 Bomb: 6/26/10 EA: 9/3/10, fizzled out slowly, now ??? 11/5/11 Retrouvaille Finally piecing.... Its peaceful at last, but we got a looong way to go
Thank you all so much for your responses. I do appreciate you. School has been crazy! A lot of papers due, a lot of classes going by. I'm happy to report that despite all the stresses I'm making a 4.0 gpa. We will see how long that lasts lol
But I have better news than this. This may seem very small but I think a healing has taken place inside of me.
I used to get really upset and angry inside whenever I'd hear a song from one of the bands that EX OW liked. Or one of the songs H put on her cd's he gave her. It would come on the radio, I'd shut it off right away, even in front of him. For months I've avoided listening to my favorite band, all because he put songs from them on her cds. She likes Queen a lot, and so do I, but I have just refused to listen to them. Hurt too much or just reminded me of her.
Anyway, the other day, "Best friend" by Queen came on the radio. I felt this feeling of anger wash over me inside, like a knife in your stomach. For TWO DAYS .... that dang song would not leave my head. Finally, I get it out of my head.
So what happens last night? H and I went to the store, and we are on the way home and we're talking, we're both in a great mood and that #%$% song comes on the radio. He looked at me, and I know he was watching for my reaction and suddenly I just busted up laughing so hard. I was laughing because in one moment I realized how childish I was acting, but I also laughed because it took me a couple days for that song to leave me, then there it is back again.
The universe really works in a strange way like this, and I know God is speaking to me and telling me to STOP acting like a child in front of H and let it go.
When I was laughing, H looked at me in this astonished way. I told him, "I can't help it, I tried for two days to get this song out of my head... " and he said he was sorry, and just looked down.
I just threw my arms around him and said, "No... don't be sorry. I am really happy right now"
I bet he truly thinks I'm crazy. But instead of letting some stupid song and it's memory hold power over me I was able to really let it go.
Maybe the song is just a baby step to me being able to really forgive H.
Sometimes i wonder how much of this piecing is more about piecing myself back together, than our M.
But things are going pretty good, aside from me dealing with panic attacks, MS, and my ongoing anemia getting worse.
It's amazing how the fear will sneak up and bite you in the a$$ when you least expect it. I also will have panic attacks/nightmares/crying spells seemingly out of nowhere.
Yoga really helps me. How long have you been on the drugs? They take a while to kick in (well, the Ativan shouldn't, that should be instantaneous, but the Celexa takes a while). I also like reading things on Buddhism. But it's amazing how some focused breathing (like in yoga) can help with the anxiety.
Also try to find a self soothing activity. I know it sounds odd, but I really like to color (yes, like in a coloring book, like a 4 year old). It's deeply relaxing to me. Find something that make you feel like that (knitting? couponing? pinterest? gardening?).
I still am having a hard time with the anxiety and the anger, and it seems to rear its ugly head when I least expect it, but those are some tools that help me.
I was on celexa for a few months and it's not doing a thing. They tried to up the dose. I went to the doctor last Mon and they are thinking of taking me off of it and just doing the counseling to see how it goes.
I've never commented to you before, but I know exactly the feelings you have described! I, too, have had nightmares that involve H with ow or H leaving me. It just goes to show that the fear is still lying beneath, even when we don't realize it. I have done great work on myself and know I'd be fine had we not reconciled, but the fear still lingers. I think we need to be patient with ourselves and realize that we have experienced a form of trauma. Recovery takes time and consistency, plus, like May suggested, finding healthy outlets for our stress (I'm a Pilates junkie). I'm glad your husband, like mine, tries to lovingly reassure you when you feel that fear.
Additionally, I've found that I still have a lot of anger and unforgiveness, not toward H but toward ow. I think it's because not only is she not regretful for her part in trying to destroy my marriage and family, but she actually delights in it. She suffers from some diagnosed mental problems and has tried to do things like run me off the road in my car, "trap" me with her shopping cart on a grocery store aisle and say horrible things to me when she walks past me (always with a bump into me). I know that by not letting go of my anger and by not forgiving her, I'm only hurting myself, so this is something I'm working toward daily.
I didn't mean to hijack your thread, but I'm very glad you started it, as I was thinking of starting a thread in piecing that addressed how we can go about letting go of the fear, anger and unforgiveness in our hearts. I hope someone who has been successful at this will chime in to give those of us still piecing some much-needed advice.
In your case, I bet your current anxiety has to do with time. You mentioned your H was with ow last summer, so is it coming up on the dreaded bomb dropping anniversary? Mine was a year ago April 29, so I've had some hard feelings to work through lately. It's important we don't take it out in unhealthy, unforgiving ways to our Hs and instead work through it in healthy, positive ways.
I wish you the very best! You have a lot on your plate right now, so remember to give yourself a break and be kind to yourself. That goes for you, too, May!
Those are called "triggers" and they are perfectly natural. They lessen over time as the trust between you rebuilds and you can lower the wall you've built up to protect you.
You haven't hijacked my thread! I appreciate you sharing here. I understand where you are coming from with anger at ow. When everything about ow, and her sitting with my husband on his lunch breaks came out, he tried to defend her at first and told me she wasn't doing anything wrong, that it was all him and the fantasy he had in his head about her. It wasn't until he went to counseling, that he came to realize on his own that ow was also in the wrong for knowing he was married and continuing to sit with him almost every day. I have had a lot of anger at ex ow off and on over the past year, because she doesn't have to take responsibility for her part in it. She gets to skip off and live in another country and go on with life, while I'm left to sift through the "wreckage".
I don't know where my initial thread is, I'm too lazy to go dig lol. But basically my H had an emotional affair with a 22 yo at his job. On her end, she believed they were just friends, but on his end he was building up a fantasy over her and wanted to pursue her. He almost walked out on me and our daughter. She ended up going off to live in another country during that time of his MLC.
There are a lot of times I feel anxiety well up inside of me when H goes off to work. No matter how good things are going between us, I still have old fears come up that he is going to start seeing someone else, or that I'll relive the nightmare again, or... that he will go back into MLC land. Some days are better for me than others. Despite how much he has told me that what he did was a mistake and how he regrets it, and does not want to ever leave me.... it's still very hard to not walk around in fear.
I'm battling those fears and trying to not let them overcome me. I have to keep telling myself that I'm going to be OK no matter what happens in the future. It's very hard though!
I am sorry you are having to deal with the ow, and that type of behavior from her. It does make it hard to let go of the past. I was reading something the other day about how not forgiving someone actually locks us up and keeps us in a prison of pain.
Yes, I'm coming up on the anniversary of bomb drop, July 3rd. With the weather getting warmer, and things feeling familiar, it stirs up old memories.
How does anyone get through that first anniversary of bomb drop?
