We started marriage counseling & now he wants out

[25yearsmlc]

Ok, does anyone have any advice on family outings?

Yes...enjoy them.

The outings are not about the future of your m, but having fun with whomever you're with

and giving your kids a good time. And maybe giving your h something to miss. You don't have to make HIM your focus...why would you?

Talk to others and make jokes, tell stories, ASK them about their lives if you can't manage to "perform" and be in a great mood---let the others be shocked if and when they hear the news of a divorce. They'll think he's nuts-

whereas

if you are visibly fuming or seething at him, then what's for him to miss? And people may well end up believing the crap he says about you.

If you need acting lessons, get them. A lot of us deserve Oscars...


We had our first social outing since the "Bomb" and my husband likes to pretend everything is fine. I am so angry when he is around, mostly because he is trying to act like nothing is wrong, I just don't get it.

Because
1) it is easier on HIM and frankly it's easier on the audience b/c who wants to see a couple in crisis, at a social outing? Awkward...they tend to blame thte party most upset.

2) if you are holding out hope that he'll wake up and return, and HE MAY,

then keep the road home, paved & smooth.

When you get home, get away if need be, and be busy nurturing the kids even with him around act like he's furniture they enjoy...you are not intearcting WITH HIM but "around him" and he can see what a great woman/mom/friend you are...and what a fool HE is


We were at our friend's 2 year old's birthday party and they know what is going on because I told them (he still doesn't talk about it to anyone). I feel like I am living a lie, pretending we are this family when he is looking for places to live and saw a divorce lawyer on my birthday!!!!!! I am trying not to show anger but at this point it is not working for me, because you know what I am pissed that he just wants to walk away. Any words or wisdom would help- thanks!!!!!

see above...

and lose that anger, at least in front of him. It simply does not help you.

it validates his choice to leave. You want to confuse him right? You want him to wonder why he'd give up a great catch like you, right?

Then don't keep bitching at him or around him or you will fuel his negatives.

I'm not saying be a Stepford wife. You can be "hurt" when others are not around but you are trying to show that "awakening" in the rules.

That you KNOW you will ultimately be alirght and that HE is the one who is losing the most.

You can even pity him; i would. He'll NEVER be as close to his children as he could have been...and he may not know what he's lost

til a long time from now.

But that is HIS loss (and your kids')...for their sake, give him something to miss.

But know you will be fine no matter what HE chooses to do.He is not in charge of how you feel or how your day went

or how your hours were spent or how your future looks...

You are in charge of all that.

Let him sense that you think he's making the biggest mistake of his life BUT that you will do more than recover from it...

do NOT tell him this, but "radiate" it. Make sense? You want him to second guess himself

and you cannot make that happen by directly challenging him to do that. It entrenches his views.

You have to believe it and live it and at some point

that will bug the heck out of him. Trust me on that. The minute he realizes you are "going to be MORE than fine" without him,

but poor HIM, he'll miss the kids, and HE will have to pay money, and HE will have to drive or travel to see them and poor HIM

but when he goes to blame you and all he sees is a happy warm woman with friends and children around who love her, and the possibility of OM interested in her and finding her attractive.. (instead of a seething furious shrew, all alone waiting for him to come home so she can pounce on him with more of her anger---which would make it easier on HIM)

he'll see the new you and he will have to wonder wth he is doing.