Needing some guidance...

[jks]

I did another DB no-no. I went to OW's house and confronted her about their affair. She was very obliging by letting me in. I felt ok in doing this because I know this woman. She's been a friend of my H's for a long time. We went camping together last July. Basically, she feels like crap for what she's done but doesn't care to end anything. She admitted that she's had feelings for my H for a long time. Did it ever occur to you that he's not available? Even if he is separated? I asked her how she even sleeps at night and she said, with a lot of medication. I said, you know me, you know my kids, you know our whole family... how does a person do this? She had no answer.

I am so sick that she lives so close to my H now. I told her that I liked her and was happy to hang out with her and told her that if they hadn't crossed the line then they could have still had been friends.

I told her that this is insane because if she wasn't in the picture, my H would have wanted to work things out with me for sure. And we have so much potential to make things better because we see all the things we were doing wrong and we both have the motivation to change. But he can't get over the fact of losing her. I wish she had a heart and would just back off for the sake of our family. She is so selfish.

I went out of town with my kids for a couple days after I left her house and had a good time. I was starting to feel like this whole situation is so silly. Does he really understand what he is losing? I am actually a pretty cool girl. Yes, I've had my issues with depression but wouldn't you think a H would be there for you to help you figure that out? Not just bail? I feel bad for him. He doesn't know who he is. He doesn't know what he wants and he's trying to find happiness in all the wrong places.

While I was away I went out shopping with my kids and kept feeling like I'm a pretty good catch. I felt beautiful and I was like, look at me... I'm taking care of these three little ones all by myself. I planned this trip and made it happen all on my own. I didn't even go with friends. It was just me and my kids. It was actually such a really great bonding experience for me and my children. I felt like we had some really great moments and I truly put all of my focus on them. We giggled and played and I didn't lose my temper at all. It was a miracle.

My H did text me and asked me if I had left with the kids and I said, I did. He then said, I would like to come pick the kids up on Sunday. You can keep them longer if you need to. (He probably thought I would want to do an Easter egg hunt.) But I was planning to do that today so I told him to come a little earlier. He said ok, and that things are really confusing for him right now. He's trying to look at things from both sides and figure out what to do with this mess that he created. I didn't respond.

Earlier this week I told his mom about everything that's been going on because she is seriously like my 2nd mother. I am closer with her than my own mother. And she said she is soooo disappointed in him and has no idea who he is anymore. She said she wants to talk to him about it. This is supposed to be happening tomorrow. We will see. I know my H values what his mother thinks and I didn't tell her so that she would say anything to him. I really just needed advice from her. I didn't know what to do. And I feel as his mother, she has a right to know what's going on.

I have had so many emotional ups and downs this week. One minute I feel like he is such an idiot for doing this to our M. And he actually has a really good thing with me that good potentially be awesome. And our family is so stinkin adorable. What the heck is he thinking?? And then on the other hand, I feel like he will never feel the same way about me ever again and I will continue to try to make him love me and it will just feel empty. I will always have the insecurity of him wishing he was with OW and made the wrong decision. I have to be strong for this reason. I want him to realize that everything he's thinking is just absolute confusion.

He sees nothing but bad in me right now. I have to switch this around. So I will continue to find people to meet and do things for myself. I was praying the other day asking what it is that I should do... and the strongest answer that came to me was focus on serving other people. Forget yourself and find others who need your help. This is going to be where my head is at.