You said you don't want to play games, but the truth about most women is that is exactly what they do. Women have been that way since the beginning of time! Most of them do not refer to it as games, but most men call it game playing.
You also said you didn't want to rush into things. When you say you slept in the bed with her, and then she spent another night at your house....did that include sex? Kind of strange, since she just didn't feel it a few hours earlier, don't you think?
I'm going to call it like I see it. She's playing you big time. If you ever stand a shot with her....EVER....she will need to be convinced that you cannot be manipulated no matter what she pulls out of her little bag of tricks. And know this....she must continue to see that she cannot manipulate you long after she moves back home.
A woman is not sexually attracted to a weak man. A man who can be easily manipulated by her is seen in her eyes as weak. Some people say it's b/c she wants what she can't have. I don't think it's that she can't have it, but she sure as blazes needs to work her a$$ off to get it! That's the only way she'll appreciate it. I believe that is why a lot of women are attracted to the alpha type, b/c he's not so easily won over by her coy games.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Sandi Do you read male game blogs?! I mean you sure use all the vocabulary. In any case she is spot on. I don't think denying sex is a good thing, but if she ever pulls this crap again just look at her in the eyes wink and say:
SUUuuureeeeee.....
Don't be afraid to tease her a little. Stand by your ground, and if she ever acts like she's unsure about you two, as calmly as you can tell her you understand if things won't work out and give her SPACE.
To clarify a few things. Yes, there was sex. No, we're not living together again. I'm trying to give space. I'm trying to stand my ground while being physically separated. I know what I want down the road: the marriage intact with my W respecting/desiring me. Getting through this current point is the challenge.
Maybe Starsky will help refresh my memory. There's a term that we use to have around here, gas lighting or maybe it was "tag".
A WAW will use sex to see if she still has that connection to him or over him, but it's not b/c she desires him. All his well laid work could be shot down that first time he weakens to her flirtations or sexual advances. Once she sees that she can still get through that door, then she immediately looses interest and leaves him standing in the cold.
Yes, I believe he should have denied her sex the first time they met since she left the home. This woman needs to realize she gave him up and that she can't dart in & out of his life/heart whenever she decides. If this is the case here, it's cruel b/c it's just enough to keep him torn up and thinking she's ready to R.
Nothing new, really. For centuries, women have used sex as a control tool to get what they want from men. Unfortunately, this is just one example.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I returned from vacation and exchanged a brief text on Sunday. I have not seen my W since returning. No communication really on my end the past 4 days. Last night, I got a text from W regarding taxes. At the end of the text, she wrote "I miss you, I hope you're well." I replied regarding the taxes, then wrote "miss you too." Her reply was "you don't have to say that, I just want you to know how I'm feeling." My reply was "I'm not saying it just for the hell of it." Her reply - "me neither, good night."
This just seems like games to me at this point. I have no idea what to make of this other than testing, game playing, etc. I really have no idea where to go from here other than sit back and do nothing, other than continue to work on me.
Me and my W went through this during our separation.
It's quite normal for her to act this way, her own emotions are probably all over the place, and yes there is some game playing involved as she is testing to see of she still has you.
It's really a fine balance she needs to understand the decision she made could be permanent, while at the same time believing she can return to a fixable marriage.
Beg too much and she won't believe she is returning of her own will, act too aloof and she will believe that there really is no hope for the marriage because you have now moved on.
So let her initiate and return any and all affection, when she acts out ignore her. It's hard to say but as a basic rule of thumb if she shows some positive signs return 85% to 95% back. This way she can see that there is still hope for you two but her actions if continued will take a toll on the relationship.
Hope that helps, and keep posting even if it's only about your mood.
Thanks, Greenblue. It is indeed very difficult to gauge how much interaction to have. When I stop what I'm doing to actually think about this, half the time I'm sad and half the time I'm just angry. I am in the process of reading the book that was sold on the marriedmansexlife.com site. I'm trying to prepare for the next chapters in my life, be it with my W or without. The book certainly lays things out in a very matter-of-fact way and makes all sorts of sense, like this site/forum does as well.
One thing my W remarked on the first time we got together following the separation: she said I would need to make the next move, whatever that may be. Meaning since she invited me out to dinner for our first get-together since the split, that I would have to initiate the next contact. Honestly, I just don't like that. The burden clearly is on her to express desire to see me, or to work on the M (or get back to the MC). I don't know how she feels she can dictate the terms of this situation. She took the step to leave.
I just don't know how long I wait around for her to set something up or take some, any, sort of step.
